Recently, there has been a new celebrity trend: college. More and more celebrities are taking a break from the big screen and enrolling themselves into Universities and college institutions. The rich and famous have moved on from memorizing scripts, to memorizing flash cards, and have used their Jimmy Choos to strut their stuff down campus halls instead of red carpets. This new development has left me considering just how different our educational system would be if celebrities were to enroll in UC Davis.
Unfortunately, it is highly unlikely that the UC Davis student body will be seeing any blockbuster names around campus. Instead, I have come up with a little, hypothetical UC Davis yearbook that features four, popular celebrities and their experiences at our very own UCD.
So Collegiettes™, it is with great honor that I now present to you, the UC Davis Class of 2011:
Student: Lady Gaga
Major: Design: Fashion
No matter where you are on campus, you will always be able to pick this flashy Aggie out of a crowd. Forget biking to school, Gaga’s mode of transportation is by egg.
Yes, that’s right. The diva arrives to class in her synthetic egg. She can be seen being carried across campus by her personal entourage, and serenaded by a large group of loyal Band-Uh members.
Gaga has also found a solution for the overpopulation of Davis squirrels: clothing. Meat dress? Make that squirrel meat dress.
Lady Gaga has created so much attention that the students of UC Davis voted her to replace Gunrock as the school’s mascot, and swapped the UC Davis fight song for her new hit single,“Born This Way”. The Aggie Pack has now transformed into the Gaga Pack. When rival teams visit our campus, we throw glitter at them from the stands.
Pretty intimidating—if you are Tinkerbell.
Student: Hugh Hefner
Major: Child Development
Forget senior citizen, the only form of assisted living Hugh Hefner receives is from his harem of female students. Never shying away from the UC Davis social scene, Hef and his platinum-blonde entourage are frequently found catching rays at the Rec Pool. Hef hosts massive theme parties which have inspired the student body to crown this Casanova the king of nightlife.
The big man on campus might be living out his last years, but this doesn’t stop Hef from gaining a large group of (freshman) female followers. Let’s just say Mr. Heffner scores more than chocolate-chip cookies during DC Late Night.
However, a word of advice for our Playboy Pres: you might want to disguise that red robe of yours—it makes it way too easy for the feminist club to spot you across the quad.
Student: Charlie Sheen
Major: Philosophy
Often times confused for a random homeless man, Charlie Sheen runs around the UC Davis campus talking to himself and others endlessly. The Coho workers have his coffee order memorized: A regular latte with a shot of Tiger’s Blood. Despite his constant substance fix, this does not help him stay up late to study. Instead, Charlie’s “alternative” habits have strayed him far from the title of “model student”, and have left him on the verge of failing most of his classes.
Perhaps his academic difficulties can be explained by the fact that Charlie insists on filling out test questions with one answer, and one answer only: Winning.
Charlie’s repetitive retort has left his professors furious, and a new catch phrase to develop among the student body. There isn’t a time or place UC Davis students aren’t slipping the single-word response into their daily conversations.
Until he finds a way to dodge academic probation or locate his intellect, Student Judicial Affairs definitely have their hands full.
Student: Lindsay Lohan
Major: Sociology: Criminology
When Lindsay isn’t in and out of court, she can be seen being escorted to class by bike cops and being stalked by hordes of paparazzis. During her time at UC Davis, Miss Lohan has created a new campus fashion trend with the color orange. No, I am not talking about her hair color, but her jail uniform. Lindsay makes sure to stay fashionable regardless of her criminal ensemble. She has turned her handcuffs into stylish bangles and color coordinates her SCRAM (an alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet) to match each pair of TOMS shoes that she wears.
Not allowed to drink? No problem. Lindsay is still the most popular party pal around.
Everyone likes to arrive with her to frat parties, not because of her celebrity reputation but because of her SCRAM bracelet. This device is made to detect alcohol, which makes Lindsay the ideal person to steer you towards the direct location of the highly concealed keg.
Lindsay may have served time, but for the UC Davis social scene, she serves as the perfect drink-detector.
I admit that having these celebrities around would definitely be entertaining, but I also think it is safe to say that the UC Davis student body is quite diverse on its own. So, until a celebrity decides that UC Davis is the college for them, the only superstar sighting to anticipate will be our next Campus Celebrity.