Every year on my birthday, just like clockwork, I sit and wonder if my life is really what it is. Typically around my birthday I have a feeling similar to one many people experience on New Year’s, reflecting on the past. My birthday is the start of a new year and it makes me think about all I haven’t done. As opposed to the joyous occasion of being born and having a special holiday in your social circle revolving on you, I turn it into a pity party and a harsh mess of overthinking that leads me nowhere.
While this seems very negative, it seems I am not the only one who experiences this. One day while scrolling on TikTok, I heard the term “birthday blues” and wanted to know more. After around an hour of scrolling down an endless path I came to the realization that I was sad because my life was no longer what it used to be. Friends that used to call no longer do, friendships I believe are strong are only a happy birthday once a year, and I rarely see anyone I actually want to see due to scheduling conflicts. I’m no longer a kid who sees her friends at school like clockwork, Monday through Friday. Instead, I am an almost 20-year-old adult who is in college 400 miles away from home, which sucks because anyone I considered a friend is so far and infrequently seen that our birthday wishes to each other are nothing more than a courtesy to not seem impolite.
Apart from this, I find it difficult to create genuine friendships that actually mean anything besides a smile across campus—I think that’s what makes it hard. As much as I dwell on the past, my future is a constant reminder that, although yes, I’m older, some things like insecurities take even longer to change than expected. This can be very difficult to reconcile with, especially on a day celebrating growth.
I no longer want to dwell on the past. My one new year’s resolution is to smile and be there for myself on my birthday. I can’t give up on this and am making sure that no matter what head space I’m in, I look out for myself that one day of the year—that’s what’s important to me.
So, if you’re ever mad upset on your birthday remember, you can either reminisce on the past or make sure that no matter what is going on around you, you are perfectly capable of stepping up for yourself at least one day out of the year, because you deserve it.