You’re sitting at the dinner table. I don’t know about you guys, but my family goes ham. Get it? I know, I’m so punny. The table is decked out with pop-up decorations, wreaths, autumn leaves, and candy. Name tags are placed strategically by my grandmother, aiming to prevent any unnecessary squabble between family members. The adults and kids are seated separately – a strategy that sounds great, but leads to complete chaos. What do my cousins and I do during holiday dinners? We cause a wild, wild ruckus. It makes for a rockin’ time. However, if you are attempting to avoid such conflicts at your dinner table, follow these simple steps. I wish you all luck. Happy holidays, friends!
1. Tell your grandmother the homemade cranberry sauce is to die for even though you would much rather eat the Ocean Spray canned cranberry sauce that can be purchased from Safeway for 69 cents. Trust me… the old ladies like to hear that their stuff tastes good.
2. Before starting a complete pissing match with your mother across the room when you hear her whispering about you, do the Macarena and drink another glass of wine. (The Macarena is optional; the wine is not.)
3. Prepare a list of one-liners prior to your family get together. When all else fails, a good ol’ joke will do the trick (most of the time). I will not take responsibility for any perverted jokes gone wrong. That is to your discretion.
4. I don’t know about your families, but my family requires that we go around the room and say what we are thankful for. That sounds heartfelt and genuine, right? Yeah…until there’s about 60 people in the room. UGH. When you start to get frustrated, start playing Heads Up! (the Ellen DeGeneres app) at the table with your family. As a matter of fact, play that at any time. It takes away the tension.
5. “Breathe in strength, breathe out bullshit.” – An Honest Meditation
Just remind yourself that 99.999999% of the people around you during the holiday season love you immensely. There may be some tension, frustration, and punches may be thrown, however it is important to remember that the black eye came from someone who loves you. It’ll make it hurt less.
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Breathe deep, and eat.
Happy, happy holidays, and good luck again!
Cover image source: Pexels