For as long as I can recall, I have always been considered and seen myself as a bigger girl. My mom says I was born weighing less than any of my other siblings and that I was a normal weighing baby and toddler. At a young age though, I saw that I was heavier and taller than most girls my age and that kind of scared me, but I didn’t think much of it at the time.
I didn’t start to notice my weight until I was in 5th grade and was heading into middle school. I am an emotional wreck, my sun sign is a cancer, so every comment that is made about me sends my crying. Throughout middle school, I was more self-conscious about my weight, especially during P.E., but it was not until I got to high school that I became more physically active in order to lose weight.
I did not really become fully conscious of my weight until high school, and for the most part, it did not really consume my every thought in middle school. I still did blame my weight for many things throughout my life.
It also did not help that certain family members always kept talking about my weight and would tell me to lose weight, that really made me think that every opportunity or experience I never had was due to my weight. Now, I try to take better care of myself for my health and overall well-being, but it seems that my health, food, and anything to do with my weight is always an issue. I’d like to share 2 things that have happened more recently to me concerning my health that pulled at my heart-strings and helped me further realize that plus-size people are always being judged.
I Was Supposed to Be Enjoying My Family
The Spring 2018 quarter was over and I was making an unexpected trip to Mexico for a family wedding. When my family and I visit Mexico we usually stay at my grandparent’s beautiful home, all my aunts and uncles are at my grandparent’s house every day so it’s always a good time. It was the first time in about 18 years that both my parents, my siblings, and I were going together, everyone was excited.
One of my aunt’s had been thin all her life, then she got pregnant and was still in the process of trying to lose her pregnancy weight. I love all my family very much, but this aunt said something that made me excuse myself and cry. Every single member of my family was in my grandparent’s kitchen, we were laughing and telling stories, everything was going great! My aunt was sitting next to me near the hallway, my brother wanted to get by so he asked my aunt if she could scoot in for a moment when she said something along the lines of, “oh my goodness, you’re making me feel fat, I’m not the fat one, your sister is.”
I felt my face get bright red and I began looking around to see if anyone else had heard her, it didn’t seem like anyone did or they just did not want to make me feel bad. My aunt had never said anything about my weight before, which is in part why I got emotional. When I left to go into the other room and cry, I began getting more emotional because I felt like my aunt would rather make a fool of me than be seen as someone who is heavier. I felt like she threw her insecurities at me, at that time I was a bit heavier than usual, I was stress eating over finals a couple of weeks earlier and so I felt vulnerable. I did eventually let it go and moved on because I felt happy with myself.
It’s Always Something
This event did not make me feel bad about my weight necessarily, it was more about my eating choices of the moment. During this last winter, I decided to go on a low-carb and low-fat diet to lose some of that delicious Christmas food weight. My family and I had gone to church and were hungry so we decided to go eat once mass was over. My brother was joining us and asked where we were going to eat; then he followed that question with, “wait, can she even go eat anywhere because of her diet? What even is her diet? We have to go eat salads then.” It kind of hurt my feelings because it seemed that he was the one who had to make a sacrifice and that we had to adjust to my diet, it almost was like a joke to him.
Now don’t get me wrong, I love my brother so much and he always says he likes to tell me things straight up to toughen me up, therefore, I find that he is always questioning my actions and thoughts. When my anxious mind began to replay this scenario in my head hours later, I began to cry because it reminded me of how much he would pick on me over my weight and would tell me to eat better because he cared about my health. This just seemed contradicting to me because now that I was doing something about my health and weight, he still managed to pick on me about it and make me feel bad.
What I Am Trying to Say
My thoughts and things I have learned that I would like to get across from these two situations are that first, you should never throw your own insecurities to anyone else because chances are they are dealing with their own insecurities. Making others feel bad about themselves won’t solve your own troubles forever. If you’re being thrown others insecurities, don’t be afraid to leave the friendship or relationship because your well-being is much more important! You deserve to be surrounded by people who love and respect you just the way you are. Second, if you decide to make some changes in your life, like a diet plan, try educating others on what that change is, how it works, what you want out of it, etc. Don’t do things or stop doing things for the pleasure of others, you owe it to yourself to do things for you and however you want. Most importantly, however, is that I have learned that if I am even a little happy and in love with myself, then I have all I need to not let others and their opinions get to me. I encourage you all to love anything little thing about yourself, even if it’s your fingers or ears, it will make all the difference and give you the confidence in yourself that you need to literally ignore the haters.