Being single on Valentine’s day sucks. And I don’t care if you think that it’s a “commercial holiday”, or that love stinks. If you truly didn’t care for Valentine’s day, you would have nothing negative to say about it. Yes, I’m calling you out on your passive aggressive attitude towards S.A.D (Single’s Awareness Day). Since I’m not as fabulous as you, all I’ll be doing come this February 14th is stuffing my face with popcorn and watching Bridget Jones’s Diary or something along the lines of a cutesy love story. And since my self-pity party is a month away, I’ve decide to create a list of what (not) to do on Valentine’s Day when you’re single.
*I am by no means advising you to do anything on this list, it was created purely for laughs. Har de har har.
1) Cry outside of your dorm/apartment/house and sob hysterically. When people ask you what’s wrong, cry “I just wanted somebody to like meeeee!”
2) Whenever you see a couple leaning in for a kiss, swoop right in and yell: HERPES! And when they look at you with disgust, point to the ground and say “Her Peas” (It would be great to have a couple of peas in handy for this).
3) Tell your friends who are in relationships that you’re throwing a couples only V-Day party. When they arrive, keep insisting that they shouldn’t have come because you are clearly throwing an anti-Valentine’s Day party. Be sure to confront them about sabotaging your party. Then every five minutes throw your fists into the air and yell “This was supposed to be my special day!”
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4) When you see someone handing flowers to another person, snatch them and say “How’d you know I wanted flowers” And when they take them away from you mumble about how this relationship is so messed up.
5) Go to a restaurant, ask for a table for two, and as the waiter keeps coming over, insist on not ordering because you’re waiting for your significant other to arrive. Then call for the manager and complain that the waiter isn’t serving you because you’re the only “single” person there.
6) Dress up as cupid and skip around a couple. Shoot your arrow at one of them and the second at a different person. Then insist that the two people who have been shot with cupid’s arrow are destined to be together.
7) Sit next to someone in public and yell that this relationship isn’t going to work because all you guys ever do is fight, then walk away. Return and yell once more at the person for not running after you in your time of need.
8) Shout “This is America!” every time you see a couple kiss.
9) Create large posters with the words “S.A.D” written on them and rally outside a public place. Toss dust at couples who stare at you with pity and then announce that you stand for a group called “Society Against Dust”.