CW / TW: discusses death
In the last few weeks I have had a few conversations where the idea of human instinct has come up. Oftentimes in the context of vegetarianism/veganism – such as that it is our nature to eat meat. I also recently read Glennon Doyle’s recent new book “Untamed” which largely pivots around this idea of intuition. I am in awe of people who trust their gut or can feel their instinct guiding them. If I do have this internal “knowing” [as Doyle refers to it], it is smaller than a pea under a stack of mattresses (yes, I’m the princess). This internal voice that knows The Right thing to do is either not there at all or is simply drowned out by the much louder voices of: The Socially Acceptable thing, The Capitalist Rewarding thing, The Easy thing. In fact, I so often find myself with the inability to make a decision that I largely lead my life in the firm belief that nothing really matters, or at least you’ll regret it either way.
To me, animal instinct would mean that I lived with some strategy, planned ahead and not acted on short-term gratification because surely that is not how one survives in the wild. But I do not; I would rather stay up a bit later to keep doing what I’m doing even though I know I’ll be tired, I’ll eat starch and sugar when I crave it instead of giving my body the nourishment it really requires, I will drink the extra drinks because it feels good at the time despite having learnt more than once about the consequences the following day. Where is my survival instinct?
I think a part of me, and maybe all of us at this age, feels a bit immortal. Not because we are young and untouchable but because many/most people have encountered a bit of a reality check by now, but perhaps because maybe now we know how profound death is and understand it’s not something our living selves can ever experience. If we were entirely self-aware of our own mortality, I don’t think we would be enlightened, so maybe this rejection of death is self-preservation, our survival instinct.
It got me thinking about survival of the fittest. Does that still apply in today’s world? Maybe it’s still very much applicable, but just the definition of the ‘fittest’ has changed. Survival of the wealthy, able-bodied, cis, heterosexual, white man? Survival of the perpetuator of capitalism? When I really start to think about the reality of the inequalities of the world, why would I want to do what it takes to survive. It seems that to thrive in society you have no choice but to climb up and push down others to get to the top, I have no interest in this but I do want a nice life for myself. I understand death is sold to us as the ultimate end, and of course in some ways it is, but depending on your beliefs, in many ways it is not. In a world where there are seemingly far too many people is it still necessary to see survival as undoubtedly successful, it seems that many people are fooled into being productive over being at peace with themselves. On a conceptual level I think I really do believe that in a world where everything is fair, equal and just – survival is not the goal so death is not to be feared.
I came to this conclusion during lockdown, I sit with it a lot and I question it a lot too, I don’t doubt one day I will believe something different. And yet, one evening in the midst of a panic, I was convinced I had the virus and I would not be able to overcome it; I felt a knee-jerk reaction I rarely come across. Something in me kicked in and went into overdrive and suddenly I cared about things I don’t usually care for, I felt scared of regret which usually does not affect me. I think I felt some kind of survival instinct, so perhaps no matter how hard I try I cannot reason myself out of my emotions, or maybe with some more practise I can.