V. Vegan! Vegans. Veganism. Veg-betterthaneveryoneelse. I get it! “Vegan” is not a particularly sexy word. In fact, it feels almost ugly rolling off the tongue. Veeeeguuuun. Veganism sounds—and acts—like a disease. If someone says they’re vegan (and inevitably, they will!), people run away. How do I know this? Easy.
E. Experience! Hi, my name is Katie, I’m 19 years old, I know how to read, and I’m your worst nightmare: a vegan. For Halloween this year, I’m going as myself. I know, I know—I suck. So do all of my vegan peers. We are all suckers (for the environment, animals, sustainability, ethics, etc.).
But I have a confession: I haven’t always been a vegan. In fact, I used to loathe vegans. They were able to do something I believed to be nearly impossible—give up meat and dairy entirely. In my AP Environmental Science class, I tried to be vegan for a week for a project. Many of my peers who tried as well lasted only a few days, but I tackled the whole seven-day challenge. It was not easy, believe me. I went from one day eating steaks to the next day eating spaghetti squash and roasted brussel sprouts. By the end of the week, I felt starved and exhausted. Needless to say, I quickly returned to my carnivorous diet.
However, I also returned to feeling guilty about my ecological footprint. I decided to take baby steps, and my senior year of high school, I became a pescatarian. My first year of college, I became a vegetarian (Freshman 15? Never heard of her!). My last few weeks as a first-year, I transitioned to veganism . . . and I’ve been thriving ever since! It feels only right to remedy my past wrongdoings as a meat-eater by spreading the good vegan word on the vegan faith. That’s right. We have pamphlets! We have five-step programs! And here’s how you too can be vegan:
G. 1) Get an agenda. Literally. Before embracing the #veganlife #plantbased #cleanliving #myjourney lifestyle, purchase this agenda or one like it (in order to be vegan you must have an agenda). As a vegan, I religiously write in my agenda with my vegan-ink pen at least one hour each day. My current favorite verse from the vegan bible is, “Thou shall not eat dairy products or honey or S’mores or Kellogg cereals (because they contain animal-based Vitamin D3)” (the Book of Vegan 4:19). Having an agenda allows you to transform an ugly-sounding word like “vegan” into a magical philosophy.
A. 2) Announce your superiority to other people. Shove it down their throats, if you must. If your Instagram bio or automatic email signature does not include anything about your plant-based diet, then you’re not a true vegan. If you want to be a certified, authentic, 100% grade-A, organic, non-GMO v-e-g-a-n, you have to constantly post on social media and vlog about it. Start a Youtube Channel, make posters, and get in people’s faces! Be loud! Be proud! Don’t stop publicizing until all your friends won’t invite you to dinner anymore (because ordering a head of cabbage with balsamic vinaigrette is “embarrassing” and “ridiculous”).
N. 3) Note that not everyone can rock the vegan lifestyle. If you’ve given veganism your best effort but still feel close to dying, veganism might not be for you. That’s okay. The next best option—the one thing I believe everyone is capable of—is living cruelty-free. Don’t buy from companies that test their products on animals, purchase cage-free (preferably local) eggs, eat grass-fed beef, etc. In short, be mindful of where your food comes from.
As a vegan, I know that the V-E-G-A-N lifestyle is not always glamorous. I’m a vegan, and it’s hard to wake up each morning, look in the mirror, and tell myself how much better I am than everyone else. Because I’m vegan, it’s excruciating feeling so guilt-free about my lifestyle all the time. But the hardest part of being vegan? Lasting three seconds without saying the word.
Vegan. Okay that was the last time, I promise.