You’re in a new relationship and you don’t want to overthink everything but you also don’t want to be too trusting and leave yourself unprotected. Controlling behaviors can sometimes be glossed over as quirks. However, it’s important to make sure you are getting into a healthy relationship. So while it isn’t advisable to blow small things out of proportion, it is advisable to pay attention to possible red flags. For example, if they get angry with you when you’re too busy to text back for a couple hours, or they decide where you go for every date without asking you for any input. Essentially, they don’t take your opinion into account, insinuating your feelings and experiences are less important to them than they should be. In order to avoid being overly critical or too naive, here’s a list of some common red flags that people frequently ignore out of a desire to be understanding:
They don’t respect your boundaries
This one seems obvious, but we often overlook little things. For instance, if you make it clear that you are uncomfortable with someone paying your way and they do it anyway, it can be a sign of disrespect to come. If you let them know how much you hate being tickled and they see it as the beginning of a fun game where they tickle you until you physically make them stop, they are not respecting your bodily autonomy.
They are quickly possessive
Maybe they are cold to your friends or they get more touchy when certain people come around. It starts small, but it can grow into something unacceptable over time. This is not to suggest that a reasonable amount of jealousy and possessiveness are always bad in relationships, but they are bad signs when they pop up during the very early parts of the relationship. That type of possessiveness comes from the fact that they see you as an object.
They are manipulative
If you walk away from most confrontations feeling like you did something wrong or stupid, you should examine why that is. If they respond to any negative feeling that they have by making you feel bad, this is an issue. Maybe when you go out of town for a couple of days, they express their feelings in a way designed to make you feel guilty. For instance, instead of saying, “I miss you! I hope you’re having a great time,” they say “I wish you hadn’t gone. We never spend time together anymore.” This person is going to be impossible to deal with long term.
They are not good at emotional communication
A person doesn’t have to be controlling to be a bad potential partner. Narcissistic and thoughtless behavior can be something to work through or adjust to, but it’s also something to pay attention to. If every conversation with them feels like you vs. them instead of you and them vs. the issue, there is something wrong with the communication. If you never know what they’re feeling, it will cause you to walk on eggshells. This is not purposeful malice, but if they have no ability to express their feelings, you will not be able to deal with issues together down the line. Maybe they shut down or lash out in the face of conflict. This is going to make any relationship one-sided.
There is a double standard
Maybe they occasionally need to reschedule a date, but when you need to reschedule they are not understanding, or they sometimes want to have a night out with friends without you, but are hurt if you want a night out without them. This sort of behavior will breed resentment and it shows a lack of empathy. It is a self-centered behavior that will most likely be paired with other self-centered behaviors. They do not act like they are interested in hearing about you. If their response to everything you say starts with the word “I,” they are too self-obsessed to think about you. When you are talking, they are thinking about what they will say in response. They will never ask you about your inner life, and even if they did, they would just interrupt you on your third sentence to talk about themselves again. If you want to be able to open up and connect with a partner, this is not the one for you.
Your Inner Circle has a unanimous negative reaction to them
Your close friends and family members want what’s best for you. No one knows what that is like you do, but there is a difference between your best friend and your new partner having a conflicting personality type and ten people all telling you that this person is bad news.
People are flawed. Some of these things are small and not necessarily indicative of a larger issue. But if you have a bad feeling, or you don’t enjoy most of your time with them, just let it go. Your life will be better if you’re in a smooth and comfortable relationship than a rocky one. There are 8 billion people on the planet. You are one of them; consider dating yourself. You don’t need this person.