When I left home to move to college in fall of 2019, I was terrified to say the least. I was excited, but terrified. My move-in day was scheduled on my birthday and being left on my own was definitely not my idea of celebrating. UC Irvine is only two hours away from my home but it felt like I was going around the world. I have lived in the same house since I was a toddler and I had never been on my own before. As an introverted only child, I had no idea if I could actually handle it.
My first quarter was a huge adjustment for me. I soon realized that all those high hopes that I got from college movies were not completely based in reality. Initially, I did not feel like I was truly taking advantage of all the opportunities in front of me. I was not active in clubs or events and didn’t necessarily connect with many people. If I’m being honest with you, part of me wanted to go home. I did not feel like I truly fit in with the culture of UCI and the fact that everyone seemed to have adjusted better than me was embarrassing. It felt like it was my Hydro Flask and me against the world. Therefore, I went home on more weekends than I should have because home was my comfort zone. It was the place where I truly felt I could be myself.
To my surprise, winter quarter was the complete opposite. I met amazing people who I loved being around, joined multiple clubs and looked forward towards events. I discovered that the independent and bold person that I always wanted to be was in me all along. I have made memories that I will treasure forever: from sneaking snacks out of the dining hall, having karaoke nights in the dorms, screaming at the top of our lungs at basketball games as well as eating Panda Express every Wednesday as if it was a ritual. For the first time, I looked forward to tasks I used to dislike like going to math class or taking out the trash because the people around me made it fun. All the familiar faces I saw everyday became my new form of comfort.
I felt like I found my niche, but all that was shattered when it was announced that UCI was transitioning to online school. I clinged onto my last moments there as I packed up my things and moved back home. It’s ironic how I went from terribly missing my childhood home to actually sobbing when I had to move back.
Suddenly I found myself sitting in my home wanting to be anywhere but there. I’m extremely grateful that I had somewhere to go and that COVID didn’t impact us as bad as it did many others. However, I could not help but feel consumed with despair. It’s as if the version of me that I became in college did not belong here. I felt like a stranger in my own house. How could somewhere I’ve lived for only eight months feel more comfortable than a home I grew up in?
A place that I once found so much comfort in actually brought me sadness. Certain things I used to find joy in back home were either gone or closed due to the pandemic. The relationships that I had with my high school friends completely changed, as well as the interactions I had with my parents. It was hard for my college friends and I to stay in touch in completely different cities with our stressful schedules. Therefore, my social life vanished before my eyes.
It was hard for me to come to terms with the fact that I was not able to be in the place I really wanted to be. Change is hard and especially for me but I came to a point where I would not let my predicament come at the expense of my mental health any longer. I forced myself to cope the best that I could while I was home. I picked up new and old hobbies, like painting, writing and reading. I reinvented my space to reflect more of who I am now and not who I used to be, as well as made optimistic plans for the future. At first, I felt guilt in wanting to leave my childhood home and my parents. Now, I find solace in knowing that I’m not alone and many college students feel this way too. It’s okay to outgrow your childhood home because we all have to evolve as people. I look back at my childhood home with the fondest memories but I can’t dwell in that forever. I’m excited to take the lessons that my childhood home has taught me and use that to help me mold my own new definition of what home is.