Let’s Play a Game! St. Patty’s Day Edition

Let’s play a game! We’ll call it, Never Have I Ever Been More Excited to Go Green this St. Patrick’s Day than Before Because Global Warming is Real and My Carbon Footprint Could be Smaller #Lesshuuuuge. Such a classic game, with very few rules (and plenty of space to be creative!).

First question: Do you believe polar bears should survive to see next year’s St. Patrick’s Day?

If your answer is yes, then you’re right! Polar bears should get to live without having to struggle for food and shelter for at least another year. But the climate is changing and ice caps are melting, and humans are largely at fault.

photo credit: The Washington Post

Question Two: Have you ever tried cocaine?

If your answer is yes, then you’re a bad person! The little Ziploc baggies that people put their cocaine in are not sustainable! Plastic is bad for the seas! If you decide to coke it up, at least use a compostable baggy or reusable container. Tell your friends!

Question Three: Do you personally identify as a vegan, organic, non-GMO, hormone-free, free-range skinny legend?

If no, you best check yo’self before you wreck the world. I would bet a couple Ring Road bobas that Patty the Leprechaun is a green queen. Just saying.

photo credit: 9gag

Dinner is served!

Question Four: What color are Dodo birds?

Ha. It’s a trick question. Dodos are no color, unless “extinct” is a color. Why did they go extinct, you might be wondering? Let’s see: Dodos were flightless, awkward birds who weren’t particularly bright. But also– surprise surprise–Dodos went extinct because of human hunger for their thicc meat and (apparent) deliciousness. Guess what else human greed has caused? Atmospheric and oceanic carbon dioxide levels to be out of this world. Yay!

photo credit: icanhascheezburger.com

Final Question (for the whole pot of gold at the end of the rainbow): Do you use condoms?

If your answer is yes, then okay. I mean, that’s great. Boo STIs and all. Then again, single-use rubbers lined with chemicals? Really? But then again, some protection is better than no protection; let’s face it, children are terrible for the environment. However, the real winning answer here is abstinence. Be like Colton from the Bachelor. Bachelor Nation and the world stan a sexy, abstinent eco-icon. #Don’tdoitforthepolarbears

Just gonna leave this here because it was iconic. Classic Colton the virgin.

Lucky for @MamaEarth, you and I exist with the best intentions to hop aboard the green train toward Sustainability Town. St. Patrick, patron saint of Ireland, we pledge to be global warming warriors this Patty’s Day and beyond, and we pray that you bestow upon us all the gold in the world because we are poor college students with piling debt and we promise to donate 15% of the funds to the World Wild Fund for Nature.