Good Connection or Just Good Sex?

So you’ve been fooling around with someone, and you think you really like them. You get a warm, fluttery feeling of exhilaration whenever they’re around. You love to listen to them talk. You really love watching them while they talk. They are interesting and exciting and you like to imagine that they feel the same way. And the sex is amazing. You’re finally having the quality of sex you always fantasized about. They are so good and their body is so hot that you wonder if you dreamed them. But before you lean into this crush and let it turn into some kind of attachment, you need to ask yourself whether you like them, or just love having sex with them.

Do you actually have stuff in common? Every couple has to look past a few things, but if you are looking past more things than you’re excitedly agreeing with, you might just love the sex. If you have a hobby or two in common, or share a favorite band, but your core world views are opposed, it probably won’t work long term. But besides that, you probably don’t really like this person. We like people who are on our wavelength. If you are left of socialism and they are a big fan of the philosophy of Adam Smith, your feelings are most likely just hormones. If you dreamed your whole life about a wedding and 2.4 kids and they are in a polyamorous pod, things are probably not meant to be with you two. When you silently nod along with their most abhorrent statements, you aren’t being forward thinking and progressive enough to let someone have their opinions. Agreeing to disagree only goes so far. Especially if you simply swallow your beliefs. If you aren’t engaging in enjoyably spirited debate, they don’t even know what you think. And you’re keeping it that way for a reason: you love that sex more than you like that individual.

Are you viewing this as a challenge? We all love a challenge. Did they tell you that they don’t want a relationship right now and you feel like you could possibly make them change their mind? This is not only not something real, it is something unhealthy. If someone doesn’t want to be with you, they don’t GET to be with you. If this “isn’t the right time” for them, they don’t want to be with you. If they were feeling what you would like them to feel, things would be moving toward a relationship. Maybe it really is because it isn’t the right time, maybe they’re making excuses to spare your feelings. It doesn’t really matter. You need to let go of the notion that they will change their mind on relationships.

Good sex can be absolutely mystical. It can confound you. It can make you believe that you feel something you don’t. Do not let it. Really think about whether you are genuinely trying to share your true personality with this person. When you like someone, you want them to know you. When you like what someone is doing for you, you make sure they find you palatable to keep them around. It sounds pretty cold. But a crush not wanting to be with you can make you feel less than wonderful about yourself. Think about the fact that you truly have just as much power as them in this situation. They don’t want to date you, and if you’re honest with yourself, you don’t want to date them either. It’s okay to simply enjoy someone else’s company without needing it to go somewhere. You don’t have to agree on many things to be really great friends with benefits. Also, it is okay for someone who is interesting and attractive to want something temporary with you. Sometimes, we base parts of our self-image on the way others view us. It can be hard to separate our worth with our desirability. Sometimes we feel like the person we like doesn’t like us back because we’re not worth liking. And that may be true. But this hottie with the good body’s lack of a deeper interest in you isn’t enough evidence to come to that conclusion.