This is my last quarter at UC Irvine.
It feels weird to say that out loud, or in our case dear reader, to announce it into the ongoing internet void. Yet, the world continues to spin and the time will come when this chapter ends. Which is wild, given that it seemingly flew by. Sure, there were days when I felt like I’d never be able to resurface from under the mountains of essays and articles, but as a whole, my time at UCI has been entirely too short. So, why not look back?Â
This is a journaling of sorts– four years in review.
As a journalist, I’m used to finding the beats of a story. The key points that form a narrative arc, highlighting the pivotal moments of a person’s life or experience. Over the years, it’s become a skill that I’d like to say comes easily. Yet, as I sit here, attempting to turn the lens internally, my arc is difficult to find. It’s as if it’s jumbled or out of reach like an image that can’t quite come into focus.Â
Because I don’t necessarily reflect on my time at UCI in major events. Those memories are part of the joy I carry, but four years later, I think of the moments, big and small, that meant something to me. I think of how much older, wiser, and happier I am today and of how much I’ve grown from the shy freshman who felt like she didn’t belong.Â
In a way, this is an ode to her.Â
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Have you ever looked at a place and seen yourself there? I don’t mean manifesting. I mean revisiting the past– when you see somewhere and are taken back to a day, a moment, a feeling as if you’re watching a film play out in front of you.Â
My UCI film is filled with good and bad tapes, but I adore them all. I love seeing where I was in life, what mattered to me, and how much or if I’ve changed since then.Â
I see my freshman self dancing across the humanities bridge in the white of the streetlights after my first research meeting went better than I could’ve imagined. Going for morning walks in Aldrich Park to hear the birds chirping. Leaving a physics lecture absolutely clueless as to how to do my homework. Attending my first open mic in Humanities Gateway, terrified as I read my poetry for the crowd.
I see my sophomore self running through Engineering Plaza to snag a Petr sticker with my brother. Calling my grandma outside of Humanities Hall to practice Spanish conjugations one last time before my final. Panicking in Langson Library before an interview with my town’s mayor for a journalism project. Publishing my first article with New University. Finding my footing as a writer.
I see my junior-year self going for late-night Insomnia Cookies runs with friends. Leaving a meeting at the Student Center Starbucks with an editorial internship secured. Buying heart-shaped pizzas for Galentine’s Day with the girls. Making journaling in Aldrich Park a weekly tradition after facing broken bones, surgery, and a boy walking out of my life in the worst of ways all in the same month. Hosting bestie sleepovers with Trader Joe’s dumplings and mochi ice cream. Learning to roller skate (and falling more often than not). Getting ready for a girl’s night out with music blasting and makeup covering our counter. Baking smore’s cookies and watching The Maze Runner at 2 a.m. with my besties. Receiving an email between classes that I’d been selected for a journalism award at UCI. Crying at the Bren Events Center, seeing my older brother graduate.
I see my senior year self spending each Tuesday of fall quarter watching the sunsets from the top of the Science Library. Buying “just because” flowers from Trader Joe’s because the carnations and roses make me smile. Meeting up with friends to trade books, like we’re The Sisterhood of The Traveling Pants. Spending hours in the student center polishing articles for both work and school. Going to as many basketball and volleyball games as possible. Dancing to the band playing outside of The Barclay Theatre with friends. Running my first marathon through campus. Staying up for movie nights with friends and baking cookies to procrastinate on finals.Â
All of these moments flicker through my mind as I walk through UCI. It’s the surplus of emotions, the joy, pain, anxiety, excitement, confusion, and confidence, that floods my heart. The great Maya Angelou once said, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” I hold that sentiment close to my heart. I find it true not only in relationships with others but also myself. These emotions that I’m overcome with are the result of four years that have been truly lived.Â
I still don’t have all the answers. Yet, as I embark on this last journey at UC Irvine, I smile to myself as I realize that the little girl, unsure of where or if she belongs, never left. But now, she’s holding the hand of the young woman I’ve grown to be, who told her it was okay to be unsure so long as you never stop dreaming of more.
I’ll admit, that I await the next chapter of my life with a brutal impatience, eager to delve into this heroine’s next endeavor. Perhaps it will be completely unexpected, but somehow better than any narrative I could have imagined. Perhaps it will lead to more challenges, driving me deeper into the unknown to test my limits. Yet, when it comes off the press, I have faith in its glory– for I know the author, and she loves a good story.