There she is, hitting you up again at 2 A.M. Instead of the expected and dreaded “u up?” text from that unsaved number you sporadically entertain, your mom is sending you texts with misplaced emojis — no, mom, the eggplant emoji means something very different. Maternal figures are equipped with immense amounts of power on all things related to laundry detergent and unsolicited advice. Constant displays of affection, superfluous kisses and coos, your mother just can’t get enough of you. It’s loving. It’s caring. And most of all, it’s sickening.
She just can’t take a hint, you know? There are only so many times you can reply “haha nm wbu” to a “How was your day, sweetie? Grandma’s knee surgery went well! I saw that a boy liked your Facebook profile picture — are you two dating? Love you! XOXO, Mommy”. For every “I love you, honey”, there exists a limit of your reply: “cool”. Although she means well, you just don’t have the time for anything serious right now. She’s a chill girl — don’t get it wrong — but you have to explore the options! The playing field has a plethora of picks in this technological time; it would be a shame to only be with your one mom instead of all of the others. To be completely honest, her complete, unadulterated, wholesome love and adoration for you is a little excessive. You’re a catch; it’s no wonder she’s completely enamored. However, she needs to, like, chill.
This is why there’s only one solution. You have to ghost your mom. She just won’t get the hint otherwise.
She may be confused at first, hurt even. But you’re the casanova of children and can’t stifle yourself. You want to explore the field, check out the other moms in the world. Maybe that mom from Johnny Bravo is looking to adopt a new kid. Perhaps you could become a Gilmore girl yourself. Consequently, ghosting is the perfect solution. You won’t have to deal with her lame comments about how much she loves you and how you are a perfect, celestial being that she is extremely proud of. Gone are the moments of hearing her espouse your prestige in public. With ghosting, you’re straight chillin’.
However, post-ghosting, you may feel semblance of guilt. This may be in part due to your ignorance of the unprecedented, groundbreaking charter of maternity that you have not yourself experienced, and thus cannot speak to. The echelon of love that you are so ignorant of, the very love, storge, that Plato described thousands of years ago — this is the same love you don’t know, yet condemn and judge. Your vulnerabilities are too front-facing and apparent; feigning apathy and disgust at your vestigial, ever-atrophying affection is the only way you know how to cope. And coming to this realization years later in therapy sends you into a downtrodden mess where the only semblance of comfort comes from the same figure you condemned so cruelly on Twitter all those minutes ago.
Now, it’s all clear. Things suddenly make sense; clarity washes over you, bathing you in transcendental enlightenment. The epiphany has arrived: you should ghost your dad instead