How many times have you watched the King of Flavortown work his culinary magic, your eyes blazed with intrigue and infatuation? His incandescent, shark like eyes staring at you, your heart palpitations reflecting that of 2004 Charlie Sheen — this Guy is your guy. It’s understandable. Guy Fieri holds saucy, satiating secrets that simmer into your very soul. However, ever since the last restraining order, you can’t be within approximately 450 feet from him. Ostensibly, you are deprived emotionally and physically. However, don’t fear! Although you may not be able to sneakily cut away pristine pieces of his beautiful, bleached tips, you can still feel Fieri in a different way — a deeper way.
Drop out of school, rid yourself of all responsibilities, and become the Walmart version of Guy Fieri (sans sweatshops and egregious working conditions). Who cares about school or a job anyways? Computer Science 61B can wait — your love for Guy can’t. It’s relatively easy to become Guy if you follow these 3 simple tips.
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Cut and Bleach Your Hair → If you have cascading locks, get rid of them with a lawnmower. This is a cute, DIY-method to get that short, yet vertical (and perhaps slightly bloody) aesthetic. Next, bleach your hair by pouring it blindly on your head. Bonus points if you get it in your eyes! This way, you won’t only look like Guy, but see the world through his eyes.
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Grow Out Your Facial Hair → From the shavings of the hair you just cut, glue it on your chin and upper lip to give yourself that salacious goatee so commonly associated with Guy. Bonus points if the glue is actually gum residue!
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Wear a Fiery T-Shirt and Sunglasses → The only thing more fire than a fresh mixtape or PG&E’s mistakes is Fieri’s infamous shirt with flames on it. With this shirt equipped and dark sunglasses adorned, Fieri is an elusive figure, his enigmatic persona drawing you in even further. We recommend permanently tattooing the sunglasses instead — it saves money in the long (long, long, long) run!
That’s it! You’ve become Guy.
Are you kidding me? Did you really think that was it? Did you suppose that it was ever so easy to become the god of men, the hero to vanquish all terrors in the world? Guy Fieri can’t simply be encapsulated by physical equipment. To successfully personify Guy, you have to become the Guy we all know and love. The Guy who helped feed fire victims in the Santa Rosa 2017 fire and 2018 Carr Fire. The Guy who sends grocery donations to Redwood Gospel Mission, Flavortown Market being their largest donor. The same Guy who officiated 24+ same-sex couples on Miami Beach in 2015. The Guy of our dreams. So, if you really want to embody Guy Fieri’s spirit, you must look within your intrinsic self and pursue a life of benevolence. Pursue a life of kindness. Pursue a life of Guy Fieri.