A while back, I had a conversation with a friend about childhood memories. Ranging from childhood home videos of trips to Disneyland, the toys we grew up with, and hobbies. While being on the subject of childhood cartoons such as Japanese anime and The Fairly OddParents, the realization hit me hard: my childhood was slightly different from his. Not because of upbringing but because of gender; He was the youngest son, and I was the eldest daughter, forced to grow up too quickly because of the patriarchy.Â
This realization isn’t anything new. In fact, it’s seen everywhere, whether in our media or through film, television, and young adult novels. The reliance surrounding the eldest daughter is as clear as day. Some well-known examples are Kate Sharma in Bridgerton and Katniss Everdeen in The Hunger Games. All female characters who are firstborn daughters had to make sacrificial choices to protect their families due to social circumstances. As consumers of media, this trait could be seen as endearing: seeing selfless individuals put their feelings aside for the sake of others. But as an eldest daughter of immigrants, this trait is questionable.Â
Why do we, as a society, have to treat the eldest daughter like a second parent when they themselves are trying to find their own identity in this world? Why must the eldest daughter be expected to put away her individualistic hobbies like watching cartoons, loving fashion dolls, and reading comic books, and replace them with household chores and playing the role of caretaker, teacher, and counselor to our younger siblings?Â
This situation is familiar to me, as at age 12, I was pressured to put away my love for “so-called” girly” traits like ballet, fashion, and pink for the sake of being taken seriously by my family and the rest of the world.Â
Much of this pressure was realized through my experience as the eldest daughter of two immigrants, where I had to make choices with my family’s interest in mind. I didn’t have the luxury to go to a college far from home due to my family’s worry about affording college for my brother, while also acting as a translator for my mother when she was battling endometriosis. Because she wasn’t able to fully understand what was written in her medical letters, it was my job to find ways to make the information written down easy for her to understand, and in return, I learned that by going through a cervical removal surgery, she was at risk of dying. I couldn’t bear to find the words to explain that to her, and that event stuck with me to this day through my fear of failure.Â
Although my role as the eldest daughter has taught me how to be a better communicator, it has also made me a perfectionist who’s scared of making mistakes. I wasn’t only scared of disappointing my parents, but I was also scared that I wasn’t living up to the image of what a role model should be.Â
Yes, the qualities I mentioned above can be great qualities to have. However, it’s also tragic to look back on these traits in my personal life. Young girls are often forced to grow up too fast just to be taken seriously, but in return, never get the room to ask how we, as girls, want to define ourselves as individuals. Society forces women to believe that by a certain age, they should put away the Barbie dolls and turn themselves into a second mother, all while being expected to be exceptional. Yet there seems to be no room to bravely make mistakes, have desires, and simply be human.Â
“Young girls are often forced to grow up too fast just to be taken seriously, but in return, never get the room to ask how we, as girls, want to define ourselves as individuals.”
Tara Phamluong
After years of facing what many have coined “eldest daughter syndrome,” I’ve slowly started to regain my sparkle; however, that required me to constantly reflect on my life. In this world, the adultification of the eldest daughter is a part of “growing up,” but if the goal is to grow into our own individuality, we should also be given the permission and validation to follow our hearts and be open to growth. As girls, there’s the constant expectation of playing multiple roles at once; however, there’s one character that girls should be allowed to play: the most genuine version of themselves.