Cancer — If you’re a cancer, you should date a person who works at Twitter. You’re imaginative and insecure according to a very reliable source (homeless man next to the local Target) — this perfectly matches Twitter’s dramatic tendencies. Tweet that comment about Angry Birds 2 — nobody will care about it, similar to how nobody cares about you.
Scorpio — You’re not like other zodiacs. You’re a scorpio! Which means you’re that much more insufferable and have to let everybody know. This is why you’re a perfect match for an Uber employee; they’re already used to disregarding their employees’ malevolent tactics and assaults, so they’ll be prepared to ignore your dramatic routines.
Capricorn — You’re a responsible kid — you’re disciplined and practice self control. You’re also a lame know-it-all. A Google employee is a wonderful partner for you because of their tendencies in sharing your private data to the government. How responsible!
Gemini — As a person with two faces, what better partner for you than Facebook? That’s it. That’s the whole joke.
Taurus — Slack. As a patient, loyal, uncompromising person, you’ll make sure that the other person in your life will compromise their time for you instead. Enter Slack! This company’s employee will bug you with notifications constantly, sending you into deep nightmares where all you hear is the “Bing!” of a new notification. You crave death, yet its sweet grasp escapes you. The end is not nigh, yet you wish it were.
Libra — We get it. You’ve been given a hard time in the game called life — and so has Lyft. They live in the shadow of Uber, and people just like, don’t get how hard life is. Similar to how you didn’t get the iPhone 11 for Arbor Day, Lyft didn’t get the success they expected of their IPO. Now, you can be in a disappointing relationship together.
Pisces — Apple You’re quirky! Full of music and artistic vision, you desire an escape from reality. This is why an Apple worker is a great fit for you — both of you can escape the haunting realities of life by playing Candy Crush in perpetual fashion, never facing the truths that haunt your daily life. Substance is lacking, but the digital aesthetic overtakes.
Aquarius — Progressive and independent, you don’t care what other people think! And neither does a person working at a blockchain company — sure, their currency will be obsolete in anywhere from 1 week to 6 months, but it’s nice that they believe in themselves when nobody else does. You can be the one to tell them they’re stupid.
Leo — You’re the life of the party. That’s why this party is during Day of the Dead. Startups are similar to you in nature — both a lil out there, both a lil scared, neither one prepared — yes, these are the lyrics for Beauty and the Beast. Sure, you both may fail in the end, but at least you’ll be on fire during it.
Aries — Passionate about capitalism! Enthusiastic about taking up space in every avenue of your life, leaving others decimated and empty? Be the trailblazer by dating a Salesforce employee. You two can harass others together, aggressively installing your love into each other and into the world.
Sagittarius — Idealistic and impatient, you can still find the humor in things. That’s why you and an Oracle worker are fantastic together. You can laugh at the $540 price-tag together, watching the 48 year-old dad use a third of his toddler’s college fund to pay off his new virtual reality set.
Virgo — What do you get when you mix a judgmental tyrant and a hard-working elitist? Your and Elon Musk’s baby! No SF tech company for you — you get the WHOLE man. Move away, Grimes. Virgo is here to take over Musk’s heart, and blast through his heart all the way to Uranus. Your relationship won’t have any Space(x); your love is in the stars.