For as long as I can remember, romance films were my guilty pleasure. Specifically, To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before. It wasn’t because of the swoon-worthy romances, author Jenny Han’s girly aesthetic, or the romanticization of writing love letters by hand. It was because I could see myself in the leading character, Lara Jean, in the way she loves her family and her views on romance.
In To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before, the film presents its leading lady in a light we’ve never seen before. She’s unapologetically girly with a personality written in glitter pen on pastel pink glitter as she swoons over romance novels while spending a night baking, and she shows love for her family. What made her stand out to me was her relationship with Peter Kavinsky, as she shows the vulnerability and bravery that come with falling in love for the first time.
Like Lara Jean, I’ve never imagined myself falling in love. In fact, it was a vow I’ve made to myself and the people in my life. That I wasn’t going to fall in love with someone romantically, that way I could be a career-oriented person who wasn’t held back by a romantic partner. From there, I’ve developed a toxic relationship with my viewpoints, as I’ve thought that success and strength were defined by suppressing my feelings and avoiding looking emotionally weak for the return of validation. In my eyes, love was a distraction from ambition and a setback from success, so, for a long time, I wasn’t in a relationship and was driven by the desire to be seen as serious.
What changed for me, however, was meeting someone and falling in love with my partner. When I first met my partner, I was dismissive of the idea of getting into a relationship. Why would I need a romantic partner when I’ve relied on female friendships and am actively working towards a career I want? If I get into a relationship and give someone my heart, I’ve felt that it was a sense of signing my goals and desires away to a person who couldn’t promise forever. So, out of months’ worth of emotional spiral, I’ve revisited my comfort character, Lara Jean, and in her story, I saw a version of myself.
Lara Jean was a character who was also afraid of falling in love for her own reasons after experiencing her own form of loss, while feeling the insecurity that came with being in a relationship for the first time. She, like many other individuals, felt that she had to have a certain “Je Ne Sais Quoi” to be desirable and that with love, she had to hold back a version of herself for her and Peter to work. In the last film, Always and Forever, she and Peter let themselves choose a future for themselves, even if it meant being some distance apart.
Despite all of the trials and tribulations the couple went through in all three of her films, including the spinoff show, XO Kitty, they’ve still made the relationship work, showing how, despite everything, they’ve still found a way to come back to each other. From this relationship I’ve had with my comfort character, I’ve learned that despite my own ambitions, the person who’s meant for me will come around. There is still room in the picture to be career-driven and care about your friends, but with a relationship, a sprout within a person’s garden of life is starting to get nourished.
Love may require compromises, but it should never require sacrifice. Despite finding someone who could be my other half, that doesn’t make me an incomplete person. Falling in love with your partner should include mutual respect and communication; it should also involve the strength to not give up a portion of yourself for the one you call “your other half”.
While I have a lot to learn about love as well as myself, I realize that there’s an importance found within self-worth, and in the end, despite not knowing what’s up ahead, I should be brave enough to listen to my heart.