So it’s come to that point in the year. Don’t lie to yourself — it’s been on the back of your mind since the day you started talking to her, but nothing hits like reality does on a November 1 deadline. Relax! You still have plenty of time. A whole school year and then some if you really need it. Chances are, you need it. In fact, most guys do. 110% of senior guys do, to be exact, according to a recent poll done by News Weekly. So take your time, sport. Don’t worry! She won’t mind… right? Bonus points for selfishness. Move up 12 steps if you can manage to hold off dumping her until the day before you move into your dorm. The last one to end things with their girlfriend before going to college ascends to heaven.
Dating in high school is like communism: It sounds great in theory but hardly ever works out when implemented. But you knew that already, didn’t you? So you know what you need to do, but don’t know how to go about it? Easy. There are numerous ways you can do this, but I’ve narrowed it down to the three most popular.
#1: The single text message. Mess-free, low-effort and guaranteed effective. Simply fill in the corresponding blanks.
Hey (insert name). Look, we’ve been dating for (insert time dated), and I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you. Remember when we (insert memory 1) and then we (insert memory 2)? Yeah, that was fun. You’re an amazing girl, and I wouldn’t have wanted to spend my senior year with anyone else, but I don’t think we’ll work out when I leave for college. The distance from (insert college location) to (insert high school location) is just too much, and I wouldn’t want to put you through that. I wish you the best.
Send it, block her, and then go out and party. You deserve it.
#2: Let her down gently. This option is the most methodical one out of the three. It’s going to require dedication and precision, and I hope you’re up for it. Essentially, we’re going to normalize the loss of affection in relationships. Plan out the remainder of the time you’re willing to spend with her. Is it a few months? Weeks? Days? The speed at which you let her down will depend on how long you’re willing to string her along. Slowly drop the good morning, goodnight, and check-up texts. Did she look great in those new jeans with her hair done up at lunch? Don’t bother telling her. Did her pet hamster just die? Hit her with the “damn, that’s crazy.” And when she asks you why you’ve been so distant, insist that nothing is wrong. This is all but advice you’ve heard before: Abstinence is key.
Essentially, the goal is to gradually introduce the idea that it won’t work out to her in small doses until the breakup feels natural. There is nothing natural in planning the eventual degradation of a relationship, but if you do this right, you might just fool her.
#3: I’ve saved the hardest one for last. Ready? Talk to her in person. Not through a phone or over the duration of months, but eye to eye, in person. There’s no stencil or prep work required, but you will need to be vulnerable and honest with your words and emotions.
Pick a meaningful location. The first restaurant where you both had dinner? The back of your 2005 Toyota Corolla where you shared your first kiss? In the middle of watching a film in a crowded theater? Anywhere will do, as long as there are tissues available, because chances are, she will end up crying. And when you settle on a location, cut the fillers and excuses, and just be honest. Tell her there is another woman and her name is New York University. Tell her in a year, this will technically be illegal. Let her cry. Let her call you any name she chooses, but most importantly, listen to her. And only if you mean it, tell her you are sorry.
So this is for all you senior boys out there. Not men, boys. Despite what you may think, you’re not men, at least not yet. But you’re on your way, bud. Don’t feel too bad. There is logic in breaking up over distance. Whether the relationship was genuine or not, and however you choose to end things, it will not have been in vain. As every relationship is an experience, you will learn. And what you will come to learn from this is as follows: She was too good for you anyways.