I’m an Indian woman. That’s how I see myself and how society sees me. I move through this world as a brown woman and that shapes my everyday experiences. You would think that this, paired with my ancestry, would be enough, but unfortunately it isn’t. Time and time again, I find myself having to prove “how Indian” I am because I just don’t fit the criteria for some. It’s frustrating and disheartening having to hear the word “whitewashed” associated with you as a label that others have stuck on and attached their own warped meaning to.
I have learned that it doesn’t matter that I spend a significant amount of my time working on events for the Indian community through the Indian Students Association. It doesn’t matter that I grew up watching Bollywood movies and participating in Indian holidays. All that matters is if I fit into people’s stereotypes and check their boxes of what it means to truly be Indian. But the most interesting part is who I get these comments from and how that demographic has changed as my life has progressed.
Growing up in Florida, these comments were often from white and Hispanic friends and even teachers who felt I didn’t meet the label of Indian American adequately. I have even been called a “bad Indian” by two math teachers during my middle and high school years. Their reasoning was poor and nonsensical, but that rationale didn’t stop the comments from impacting me.
I reminded myself that there were barely any Indians in my school, and there were even fewer Indians that these people have actually been in contact with in their lives. That should be enough to justify how little they knew about the topic. It should be enough to justify that the problem isn’t me not being “Indian enough”; it’s me not fitting into their racist stereotypes of what an Indian person should look like, act like and eat.
“It’s fine,” I told myself. They don’t know enough to be accurate on the subject. They don’t know you’ve been doing Bollywood dancing since you were four, and they don’t know you have volunteered in your local Indian community for countless events. But it hurt nonetheless, and part of me internalized their words and perceptions of me.
When I moved to Berkeley, I knew it would be different. There’s such a large South Asian community over here that I figured there was no way the “whitewashed” label would follow me. But what I didn’t know was how different it would be.
Here, it is my own people that make me feel like I wasn’t brown enough, and what they don’t tell you about that is it hurts infinitely more. Your own community suggesting you’re less than others because you haven’t heard of a specific dish or pronounce things differently stings in a worse way than coming from others.
When other groups didn’t view me as “brown enough” it was fine. But the people who are supposed to understand, love and accept me for who I am are judging me. It was something I hadn’t accounted for and I still find it difficult to come to terms with.
So, this article is for people who are feeling the same was. Those who feel “too white” in some spaces, “too brown” in others, and just overall not enough for people. Most of my articles end with an uplifting reminder, wrapped in a beautiful bow. But that isn’t the case with this one because I still don’t know how to accept this or have any tips on how to cope with it.
Instead, I hope it serves as a forum for those struggling with shared sentiments to feel less alone. I know it can be difficult not to let others’ words and opinions affect your perception of yourself, so I won’t encourage you to. I’m sure you’ve heard that plenty of times, so I’d rather you feel heard by this article. Regardless of whether you learn to navigate this or not, you are more than others’ snarky comments and definitions of you, even if it doesn’t feel like it at the moment.
You don’t need to be enough for other people. You just need to be enough for yourself.