Coming to UC Berkeley, I was thrown into a new house, new dynamics, and new city. I got lost in the excitement of new experiences. Community college transformed me from being a quiet, timid person to an extroverted, talkative person. However, last year when I developed a crush after years of nothing, I found myself sharing too much with too many. I let my guard down, assuming people couldn’t possibly talk poorly about me.
I was wrong. When you see people every single day, it’s easy to assume that you’re all friends who can share anything. I forgot that I’ve only known these people for a short period of time. Naturally, in social circles, curiosity and gossip runs deeply and uncontrollably. I didn’t realize how rapidly the word got out though.
Eventually, I ended up crying on my way to a party when the word reached me. Both frustration and sadness kicked in at once. I didn’t want to be seen as “boy obsessed,” not by people who hardly knew me. Most importantly, not when that was not all there was to me. I admit I went overboard but, I cut myself slack when others did not expend the effort to do so. I mean, did the events seriously go down all because I liked a boy?
All the while, I wondered how the other person I felt, I could only assume. The spreading of words interlinked our names. As time passed by, I repeatedly thought I ruined the chance of friendship, that more than anything else is what I wanted. A girl could dream but, I couldn’t force what is not there. My feelings were inevitable but I should’ve chosen not to act on them.
Coming back to school, I’ve since kept a crush mostly private. I decided that as long as the feelings are unrequited that I should not be making the information easily available. From time to time, I catch myself almost revealing the identity of the crush, but I immediately remind myself of what happened last year. I remind myself that not every friend needs to know either. While developing friendships, I don’t want to sacrifice the protection of my peace when I can. Truth is, you don’t owe anyone full access to your life, you’re allowed to be private about aspects of it.