The 5 Types of Girls Who Go To Berkeley

#1: The L.A. Transplant

This girl is dressed in her Adidas Superstars (having worn her checkered Vans yesterday), listening to Tame Impala as she munches on kale chips whilst walking to her business seminar. Straight from Westwood, she constantly complains about the decrepit state of Berkeley, comparing it to the campus of UCLA -- the school she secretly wanted to go to, but couldn’t because she needed to “escape her family”. She can be heard asking why the homeless don’t just move elsewhere and asking if her Uber will be taking “the 101 North”. Making bimonthly trips back home, her Instagram bio reads ‘la raised [insert sunshine emoticon], cal '22’. 

#2: The Bay Area Native

“Go Bears!” was her family motto ever since she was an infant. Raised with various campus paraphernalia, it was not as much an option as it was mandated fate that she attend Cal. She bore witness to many of her friends attending other Bay-area schools - Stanford, SFSU, Academy of Art, etc. However, she prides herself on attending what her family deems the true Bay school - UC Berkeley. Depending on which variation of SF Bay Native™ she is, she will either complain about gentrification or stay silent in conversations about it as she directly benefits from it. Annoying in her love, the only colors she’s seen wearing are blue and yellow. Her duvet cover is an image of the Campanile. Her dream man is Oski. 

#3: The Woke Girl 

You can find this woman protesting on Sproul on any given day. Constantly engaged in dialogues about police brutality, China’s treatment towards Hong Kong, and other contemporary topics, she is here to fight back against racism, patriarchy, and [insert any institution here]. Dragging others on Twitter, she knows how to clap hands (mainly through the use of rhetoric). The Woke Girl™ frequently remarks comments such as “We stan!” and “Yas queen!” on images of Lizzo and Princess Nokia, and “bruh” and “canceled” on images of pineapple on pizza. 

Although she hates the word ‘woke’ and publicly laments how lame and self-congratulatory it is whenever said, she secretly enjoys being described as it. Admiring Berkeley for its free speech movement, she simultaneously condemns it when contentious speakers are brought to campus (cough, cough: Ann Coulter). She has an image of Bernie Sanders on her laptop cover. 

#4: The Over-Achiever

After being rejected by Stanford and waitlisted by Columbia, this girl had to go to their safety school: U.C. Berkeley. She was involved in debate, Model U.N., Key Club, and other extracurriculars back in high school. She took 5 AP courses in one semester. Not only that, but she got a 2350 on the SAT (old version). At Cal, this woman double-majors in a STEM and Humanities focus, demonstrating how varied her excellence is. Although she got rejected by a consulting club and cried for 30 minutes about it, she quickly raised her spirits by flyering on Sproul for one of the 7 clubs she’s already part of. Her preferred communication channel is Slack, especially for talking to her parents. She can be found consuming Soylent or drinking boba at Moffitt at 2 A.M. on any given day. 

#5: Carol Christ

Carol is not like the other girls. She’s descended from the one and only Jesus (hence her patrilineal name). The first female chancellor of U.C. Berkeley, it might be assumed that Christ is #withher. Teaching English for a number of years, this professional experience lent her great expertise in handling different variations of “We’re experiencing a power outage. Let’s shut down the university”. Some say she is actually the figure inside the Oski suit; the world may never know the truth.