There is a unique sense of bleak loneliness which accompanies the spending of a Holiday away from loved ones. It churns within and transforms into ugly emotions, cascading into themselves in stages. And last weekend, for the first time in my life, I spent Thanksgiving completely alone, taking note of every frustration to spin them into journalistic endeavours.
1. Envy
When I moved to Vancouver from Montreal, it was terrifying: I was leaving all my friends and all my family behind to face something completely new, but I wasn’t alone. My mother had moved to Vancouver for her job only a year before I did, and for all the times we felt isolated from the rest of our family, we at least had ourselves.
Except, a conference out east led her back to our hometown on Thanksgiving weekend, allowing her to spend it with her partner and my younger brother. A small, unremarkable occasion, and yet, I envied them. I envied the small turkey meal they shared, the potatoes, the conversations they must have had, the music they must have listened to- all of it.
I tried to replicate it, with a store-bought unique turkey leg, two potatoes mashed with our butter (I forgot the butter, who does that?) and the palest imitation of my mother’s gravy to ever grace this earth. For a moment, it almost worked. The envy dulled and boiled out of me. I felt wonderful. Amazing. Godlike.
2. Pride
I felt it wholly and powerfully as I prepared for the weekend in my mind. Shopped and thought and overthought every possible way I could prepare the best Thanksgiving meal all to myself. I thought of the music I would listen to lounged on the couch all by myself. My mouth watered at the mere thought of the turkey melting into my mouth, the buttery (ha!) mashed potatoes, and the sweet, delicious pumpkin pie I would carve into existence by my self.
So, I headed to the store, gold in my eyes and pennies in my pockets.
3. Greed
There was something great down every aisle. Decorations, spices, ingredients, drinks, fruits, vegetables, things I didn’t need, things I felt I couldn’t live without, and of course, I caved. I hungered for all of it. For the grandioseness of such a meal, I could never achieve. I bought too much of everything, made promises too large to fulfil. I ran down every corner collecting, building, as a dragon with its treasure…
Except, of course, as Icarus I saw myself fly too close to the sun, overcome by my own misguided belief in my capabilities. My pride fell from grace as the spoils of my greed rotted before my eyes. My turkey was dry, my eggnog too sweet, my tea too cold, my gravy too watery and my pumpkin pie?
Well…
4. Sloth
It didn’t take long for my motivation to flicker down into nothing. It didn’t take much either. One look at a recipe and a passing glance through the window of my favourite pastry shop was enough to break down my resolve and tempt me towards sloth. I bought it. Delicious, fresh, a perfect blend of spices, a perfect soft texture, that melted into my mouth as I sat watching endless cartoons to forget the dry, bland turkey I had cursed myself with. I melted into the soft cushions eating bite after bite after…
5. Gluttony
The inevitable sin of this Holiday. It didn’t matter that I was not surrounded by festivities, not engaged in joyous laughter, not sharing a feast with my family, the gluttony wouldn’t escape me.
I ate the butter-less potatoes. All of them. Drowned in watery gravy. I ate the dry turkey leg. And I ate the pie. The whole. Pie.
Well, about half. Still, though.
6. Lust
No amount of food could fully fill the loneliness that devoured me. My partner, living out east with the rest of my friends and family, felt that night more than ever, completely out of reach. I longed for a presence, for someone to hold me…
And all I found was a blanket.
7. Wrath
So of course, I turned angry. Every sin came rushing all at once, burning within me, and I felt so enraged. How could I be alone? Why? Why was a day I loved so fury-inducing? What could possibly justify such a frustrating, lonely experience?
8. Peace
I finished the cartoon.
It was Avatar: The Last Airbender, if anyone was at all curious. Not, as all the prior images I’ve chosen might suggest, Fullmetal Alchemist (although, if you have a chance, both versions of the show are great).
So, I watched the Avatar defeat the Firelord (is that a spoiler? Barely), and I watched the clever way they dealt with the subject, and the touching reunions of friends and family, and the promise of peace and rebuilding, and it felt… nice. Humbling, even. The truth is that if I have people to miss at all, then I can’t be doing quite so badly.
And anyway, I got to eat a whole pumpkin pie to myself in only a couple of days, so there’s that. Loneliness has its perks.