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A Misogynistic Guide to Getting Dressed

Since entering college I have definitely learned a lot about fashion. I used to think to that my appearance was for myself, a way of expressing myself to the world without language - an art form. There was a time in my life when I thought I was too much of an autonomous human being, too much of a lesbian, and too busy living my own life to give half a thought about guys’ opinions of my appearance. 

But don’t cringe too much, my fellow collegiates, for I now understand the importance of the male opinion. For example, I'll just be walking down the street and random guys will blurt out compliments about my appearance. That's part of how I learned that being a girl means existing for men, and that one of the most important questions a college girl should ask herself whenever she gets dressed is, “Will men like what I’m wearing?”

Fortunately there are plenty of resources for us girls who find ourselves in a tizzy each morning in front of our closets, wondering how they can use our lady brains to please our male peers. Need to know what a guy will think of your outfit? Google is your best friend. There are plenty of websites geared towards college women with articles featuring the all-important opinions of guys on the attractiveness (or lack thereof), of girls' fashion choices.

1. Clothes That Are Comfortable, Not Sexy (ie. Ugg Boots)

What do you mean they're comfortable? Comfort is NOT sexy, ladies. 

In my journeys through the interwebs, I have, for example, ascertained that there is really no excuse for a girl to wear Uggs. Like seriously, what do you think is attractive about utterly obscuring your feet in those ugg-ly sheepskin-esque blobs? They are such a far cry from the sexy click of a heel that a guy likes to hear.


2. Clothes That Are Too Tight (ie. Leggings)

You know what also has an elastic waist? Sweatpants. Pajama bottoms. Leggings are a gateway pant, people.

Leggings are a huge no-no as well. Guys like a little mystery; don’t reveal every contour of your legs! And for heaven’s sake, leave off any “pants” that have an elasticized waist. It’s a slippery slope, my friends.


3. Clothes That Are Too Baggy (ie. Shift Dresses) 

Guys don't want to see everything, but they want to know there's a woman in there. Help them out!

Remember not to wear shapeless clothing, either! You know that shift dress you think is adorable on you? Yeah. It’s not. Not to a guy, anyway, so what’s the point?


4. Acessories That Hide Your Pretty Eyes From Admirers and Sunlight (ie. Sunglasses)

Have you tried smaller, or even non-tinted sunglasses? That would help.

And those enormous sunglasses of yours? Trash them. It doesn’t matter if you think they make you look mysterious and alluring, or if you just want to avoid being blinded by the sun. Guys want to see your face! Don’t cover up your best asset; uncover those eyes and smile, baby.


5. Boy Clothes (ie. Practical and/or Unfeminine Clothing)

You don't want the boys to get confused - better stick to lady clothes only from here on.

Also, no guy wants to see a chick who looks like one of his bros. Ladies, please remember that baseball caps, unfeminine footwear (I’m looking at you, Hunter rain boots!), and pantsuits should be nowhere to be found in your wardrobe.

College is a perfect time to revamp your style, just make sure you’re not forgetting about the guys who will be seeing you everyday on campus and want a little eye candy between classes. There will always be people who roll their eyes at this advice and say they want to dress for themselves, but don’t let them bother you. Just remember who your body is really for.

Jacqueline Marchioni is a fifth year Honours English major and a Gender, Race, Sexuality and Social Justice minor.
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