So, I’ve never really been a lucky person. I’m always running into doors, getting bitten by random wild animals, falling into holes, eating rotten foods, knowing the worst people, and so on. So, when I got to UBC, I promised myself a new start. I told myself I’d do better, be better, try harder, and not let myself down like I have in the past. In terms of friends, I can’t say I’ve found the most productive people in the world, but they’re fun, they like to be carefree and party like me, and things have been pretty good with the boy I’ve been dating the last two months, except for a minor fight here and there.
It’s ten days to my exams, and I’ve never felt more productive in my life. I admit, I haven’t been doing the best I can these last couple weeks; I have procrastinated all my papers and completed them the night before, I have made it to perhaps 80% of my classes, and I’ve probably been asleep or drunk more often than I’ve been sober. But this week I promised myself things would change. My study schedule is complete, and if I follow it, then I should be okay for finals, and still be able to make it through this semester with grades that aren’t necessarily good, but that I can at least bring home to my parents and say: “well I’m not wasting ALL your money.”
10 days till the exams:
Beep beep! Beep beep! The alarm jerks me awake. This is perhaps the first time in a month that I’ve been awake before the ripe hour of noon. I went to class in the beginning, but then I just gave up on the idea. I can’t say that it feels good to finally ‘be doing something with my days’, but at least I’m getting somewhere. I lay in bed for nearly an hour contemplating the day’s tasks: read 50 pages of psych, 43 of Econ, and at least 60 for business… That’s not too bad… I’m gonna cry. And so I did, but just one tear though! Because I’m getting my shit together, and I ain’t got no time to be weak.
I try to call Max, my boyfriend, to see if he wants to study together, but he’s not answering his phone. Then I try to call Maddy, my best friend here, and she too is nowhere to be found. I figured they were probably sleeping so I just took a shower and began to read some psych. 20 pages in, and my friend Alice calls me and asks if I want to do the polar bear jump –you know, when you jump into freezing cold water in the middle of winter for no particular reason. I answered, “I mean, I should be studying, but what’s a little break gonna do right?”
9 days till the exams:
Shit. Shit. Shit. You know those moments when you regret every life decision you’ve ever made? Especially because they lead up to everything that happened the day before? (Aka every time I drink). I had that yesterday, and there was no alcohol involved. Perhaps jumping into freezing cold water wasn’t the best idea eh? My nose is so runny it resembles a goddamn waterfall, my throat is so soar and swollen I couldn’t even fit a pea in there, nonetheless food, and I’m burning up like a volcano. Now, this is one of those moments when you’re sick enough that you can’t bring yourself to do anything, but still nowhere near sick enough to get excused from your responsibilities. I texted Maddy for medicine, but she never came. So I asked my roommate for it, read ten pages of econ, and called it a ‘productive day’ then went back to sleep.
8 day still the exams:
Still feeling like a sack of shit, I actually got some work done today. Given I did not leave my bed, I managed to make some thorough notes for all my classes, thus I am almost back on schedule, yay.
7 days till the exams:
“You’re kidding me right?” I said.
“It’s nothing personal I jus-”
“NOTHING PERSONAL?!”
“El-”
“NOTHING. PERSONAL?!” I managed to let out a croaked out cry. My voice was barely there, but my anger was unmistakable. I hung up the phone, I can’t believe it. Max calling, my phone tells me. I don’t have the courage, if I answer it, then it all becomes too real…but I finally did.
“Are you ready to talk now?” He asks.
“…”
“Okay, look, I’m sorry okay, I just don’t think we’re right for each other.”
“Where is any of this coming from? I thought things were good.” His door opened in the background and he quickly said goodbye and hung up.
6 days till the exams
Before, I was physically incapable of physical action, now, I’m emotionally crippled. A week before my exams, that man couldn’t have chosen a better week. I feel like my heart has been ripped out my ass, fed to the crows, then forced back into my body. I just wanna talk to someone, but everyone seems to be busy today... I’ve never felt such numbing pain before. All I did today was lay in bed and think, “what did I do wrong?”
5 days till the exams
The cherry on top of my cake. No literally, the cherry is here. I knew stress could delay a period, I never knew it could make one come early… As if this week wasn’t already great enough, let’s say hello to a day with my head in the toilet, and my stomach feeling as if someone’s hands are inside of me literally twisting my uterus as if to dry a wet towel. Well great, now take my initial depression, put some hormones and actual physical pain on top of that…and I just spent the day crying.
4 days till the exams:
I think I’ve literally dried out my body. I have cried myself out, I’m just an empty tank. My tears have evaporated and turned into rage. I don’t want to think about him, but he keeps looping back into my mind. I have to know. But for today, I let my rage fuel my passion. Despite a couple breakdowns in between (every 30 minutes… Not even exaggerating), I actually got some notes done.
3 days till the exams:
After days, I’ve finally managed to get my ass out of bed long enough to get my own medicine. I walked over to the pharmacy by McDonalds, and of course the first people I see are my ‘friends’.
“Hey guys!” I manage to let out, my voice still raspy.
“Heyy,” they all say in slow unison.
“Where the hell have you guys been??”
“You know, just around,” Maddy answered.
“Okay…” There was an awkward silence, until I heard Max’s voice come from behind them, “okay I have Marlboro reds for Alice, and gold for –” he stopped as soon as he saw my face. They all managed to release a faint smile, not that there was anything real about them; they all looked like a dear in the headlights. Obviously, they were expecting me to be the car, to cause a big accident. But to their dismay, I’m sure, I just stared them, turned around and waked away. There were so many things I wanted to say, that I had nothing to say. I was wrong: there are definitely still tears in my body.
2 days till the exams:
SHIT. It’s two days to my exams and all I have to show for it is 1/4th of the notes I’m meant to have, 1/10th of the motivation I need to have, and a heap ton of heartbreak mixed with a heap ton and a half of anger. I feel like not doing my work would give them all too much power over me, but at the same time, my mind and my heart can’t really bring themselves to focus. I’ve never felt so helpless in my life. But through my anger, which my keyboard received all of, and my tears, I managed to get a little bit of work done.
1 day till the exams:
Drip. Drip. I thought I was lucid dreaming as I felt drops of water caress my cheeks and my body. It wasn’t until what felt like a while, that my brain started to register the beeps too. My body woke up abruptly to the view of my whole room soaked in water, and my roommate running around like a headless chicken trying to stop it. She looked at me with worried, apologetic eyes. At that moment, all the motivation left in me, evaporated, and swam away. I’ve accepted my fate.
Day of the exams:
Today is the day. The day when the sum of these last ten days turns into something, whether for better or for worse. I start the day by missing my first two alarms; these past few days have drained me. I wake up in a state of shock, fumble around my room for a shirt, then sprint straight to the exam room. Of course, on my way, I trip over my shoelace and fall, face first into the pavement. I was in too much of a rush to register the pain, so I jolted back up without a second thought, and made it to the class. I initially knew I was late, but it turns out Maddy had given me the wrong exam time, so I wasn’t 10 minutes late… But rather 40. I walked in regardless, blood streaming down my forehead, and made the most of the 20minutes I had left. I felt dizzy, and disoriented, and answered perhaps half a question. I spent the rest of the day feeling this way. I hardly got through my tests. But in the end, despite the hazy, throbbing pain in my head, and my heart, I figured, “it can’t really get any worse right?”
We hope you enjoyed this horror-story finals narrative, HCUBC cuties! Here’s to a final exam period nothing close to as intense as this one!