Have you ever wished you were a rich and pampered young heiress in a Jane Austen novel, just so that a required part of your education would have been learning how to hold a conversation? As far as many of us are concerned, society has drastically over-estimated our ability to interact with other humans. However, small talk doesn’t have to be stressful as long as it is approached correctly. If the mention of networking makes you queasy, read on to learn the tricks to ultimate conversational power!
Step 1: Introductions
Thinking of starting things off with a firm handshake? Is your go-to introduction something along the lines of “Hi, I’m so-and-so”? This is a recipe for awkwardness, friends. Politeness is not memorable! Instead, have a quirky catchphrase ready. Yell it out before your counterpart can say anything to establish your dominance. This is crucial. If they try to do the same thing, just yell over them for as long as you can.
Step 2: Topics
Now that you’ve dazzled your partner with your display of confidence, find a conversation topic. It’s a good idea to memorize some key prompts beforehand. Some surefire winners are “Where’s the cuttlefish?”, “What’s your opinion on the state of capitalism in the western world?”, “Chicken or egg?”, and “What do you mean capitalism and cannibalism aren’t the same thing?”. Try to connect your topics to popular culture by referencing as many memes as you can. Prove that you’re up with the kids on what’s hip and happening, yo.
Step 3: The Awkward Silence
Once you’ve begun chatting, you might be tempted to keep the words flowing at all costs. Wrong! Do not fear the awkward silence; it is a natural and expected part of any conversation. Instead of avoiding it, embrace it! It is your chance to bring your partner entirely under your power. As the conversation inevitably trails off, be prepared: keep quiet and stare deep into their eyes. Begin to speak in a low and soothing voice. Slowly reach out a hand towards them and carefully stroke them on the head. If you’ve followed the steps correctly, they should fall into a deep sleep.
Step 4: Programming
You are now ready to begin your world domination. Simply give your sleeping conversation partner an activation word (I’d suggest something that they won’t hear often but is easy to slip into conversation, such as “illuminati confirmed” or “good job, I’m proud of you”), then simply boop them on the nose in order to wake them. Your partner will be none the wiser, and you now have a perfectly-programmed sleeper agent.
Step 5: Profit
Now all you need to do is sit back and let the minion do their work. As soon as they are activated they will be compelled to seek out new partners for small talk and spread your influence throughout the world. Like a wave of zombie plague, the entire continent will soon be under your thumb (for conquest of overseas nations, Skype is recommended).
Congratulations, you are now the uncontested master of small talk and the world! How’s that for networking? Just make sure you don’t let all that power go to your head.
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