An Open Letter to the Guy I Can't Give Up

I can’t quite seem to understand how after all this time, every disappointment, and hurtful word said, I can’t seem to give you up. I wish so badly I could forget you. But your name continues to sting my heart, like a bullet through the chest, every time I hear it. My stomach drops when your name lights up my phone. Yet, I crave it. In some twisted way, I yearn for these moments to come like a heroin addict longs for his needle. Knowing damn well how toxic it is, but doing it anyway because it’s worth the short-lived moment of pure bliss.

You weren’t always toxic, and I wasn’t always addicted. Maybe things changed when I realized love wasn’t this awful Hallmark creation used to sell movies and destroy lives. No. It was much more than that. You made falling in love with you simple. I never expected it to happen, but you gave me no choice.

I remember the moment I knew.

We were lying on my bed. My head on your chest, your arms wrapped so snug around me, like they were created to only hold my body. You were telling me stories about when you were younger. I could hear the smile in your voice as I reminisced with you over days I’ve never known. I glanced up at you, knowing it was too late to turn back. I had officially plummeted off the edge of this cliff as if your love was the high I had always searched for. You asked, “What?” in a way that let me know half of you was still in the past. It took everything for me not to blurt out those silly words, but somehow I kept them in.

Perhaps that is why I can’t let go, because it all was so simple with you. Things had a way of falling into place and fitting perfectly. I was so caught up on those few moments of being intoxicated by you, that all the downsides never seemed of importance.

But here I am, months later, missing you as much today as I did the day you left. I wish I could, but I’ve never been able to be angry about your leaving. In fact, I don’t entirely blame you. We were both so flawed. High on the idea that our love could fix everything wrong in this world. But all we were two addicts who saw one another as their drug of choice.

And one day, you will stop being a drug to me.

But until then,

The Girl Who Can’t Give You Up

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