For those of you reading this, I have been reeling. My favorite high school pastime–my escape from a tumultuous home life, where I thought I felt the safest is now smeared all over my hometown news outlets in the most horrifying way. I’m grieving the loss of what I thought was safe, when in reality I was in the clutches of something worse than what I was avoiding at home.
Myself and other team members have been receiving relentless messages and phone calls from family, peers, and community members asking, “Why didn’t you see anything? Were you one of them? Is this story about you?” So this is me, going on the record for questions to be answered from the perspective of a former team member so this way that those affected can have their space to grieve too.
Because a safety net I once knew was actually a facade, I’m retreating to my other source of healing, that I can actually guarantee is safe–my writing. This is an open letter to the community, school administrators, teachers, new coaches, other teammates of past and present teams, the survivors, and my former coach.
To the community: I am just as shocked as you are. Behind closed doors, on the practice field, and en route to tournaments across the state, alarm bells never went off for me or others on the team that weren’t directly going through it. While we are recognizing now that phrases such as, “you’ll never get out of (your hometown) if you quit playing” that are mentally manipulative, were things we excused as ‘tough love’ or something a coach says because their student has extraordinary potential. We wrote it off, because he had gained our trust.
Moving forward, I kindly ask you to please stop sharing this on social media as hot gossip saying things like, “how disgusting” or “I hope he gets his while he’s in the state pen.” While I understand these feelings might be coming from a place of defensiveness for the survivors, his family, and others affected. It’s absolutely not conducive to healing and provides little closure to anyone involved. If you want to support us and prevent this in the future, send us messages of support and open mindedness. If you have to post to get this off your chest, figure out where your emotions are coming from before spewing them on the internet. If they’re feelings of concern for survivors, saying something like, “my thoughts are with all who are affected” goes much farther than “I hope he rots in prison.” It’s important to understand that a majority of those affected are grappling with the mental images of someone we once saw as a coach, mentor, or friend, going from a golf polos and khakis to handcuffs and an orange uniform. Rally around us, the survivors, his friends, and family members because it’s like grieving someone who is still alive. Don’t get me wrong, he should absolutely be held accountable and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law but please, let news outlets be the informers of getting the word out there.
When you learn of this, use it as an opportunity to start conversations with the young people in your life about being vigilant and assuring them that they have your support without judgment for anything they might need to talk about. Sexual assaults are not always a ‘one size fits all’ victim and they are most likely to happen by someone who is immersed in your life. It’s additionally important to be educating and talking about mentally and emotionally abusive phrases or tactics, because those can serve as warning signals. Educating opposed to gossiping, will always serve as a more preventative tool, guaranteed.
To school administrators: From the bottom of my heart, and on behalf of myself and the dozens of others affected, thank you. Right now, I imagine that you have been and still are on the frontline of countless emails, phone calls, or letters from concerned parents and the media, but because you took the time to investigate, ask questions, make tough decisions and take calls from those who are concerned– you are allowing justice to be served through getting correct information out there and protecting students from becoming another statistic.
To teachers: Regardless of the subject you teach, use this as an opportunity to further educate and let your students know that you will support them and do what you can to protect them. There will likely be some students more directly affected than others but this negative spotlight that has now been cast on the school district understandably makes being a student at this point in time harder than it already is. Listen to them and continue advocating for their safety.
To the new coach and coaching assistants: I can’t imagine the position you’re in right now through such a rocky transition, to say the least. Coming from a team member who poured her heart into this game as an escape, you play such a vital role to be the mentors who can forge a more positive future for the program. Just know, so many people out there, including those students and their parents, are thankful for people like you, that are able to offer more stability moving forward.
To my other teammates, past and present, whether we played together or not: Although we may be miles apart and have forged our own paths, please know that we will always be on the same team. Based on conversations I’ve had with others, if you weren’t directly violated, you too are still trying to pick your stomach up off the floor and rationalize that this isn’t a bad dream. Admittedly, I can’t offer much consolation but I can offer a listening ear because your feelings of confusion and betrayal are absolutely valid. No matter how many times we talk to parents or friends for support they will never quite understand because they weren’t there like we were. To the members currently on the team, please don’t let this scandal overshadow your love for the game. Keep playing, practicing, and crushing it out on the course, as I’m sure you are. Also take time to care for yourself and do what you need to do to process the situation. What I’m trying to say is, above all, whether you’re currently on the team or not, just know you’re not alone.
To the survivors (victims): There aren’t words to fully articulate how sorry I am. I am so sorry that my traumas in my home life and day dreams of my future clouded my vision to what was happening before my eyes. I’m sure that your concept of safety was far more destroyed than mine or others will ever be. Since the news of the investigation first broke in September and more so in the past 48 hours, I’ve been replaying anything I could remember in my head to see if there was something I could have done—but we can’t change the past, only how we move forward.
I also want to thank you. It is your bravery to come forward that reminds people everywhere that situations like this are an unfortunate reality. It’s because of your bravery and the bravery of countless other survivors everywhere, that encourage more women and men to come forward to pursue justice. Although reliving it for this purpose has to be extremely difficult, it’s your story that will that will hopefully spark conversations of education and change. It will remind us all how important it is to hold people accountable, remain vigilant, and question everything. As previously mentioned, we are still on the same team and you have my solidarity. My wish for you, is to continue to find healing and closure and that life offers you nothing but the very best moving forward.
To my former coach: I’ve been taught that anger is an umbrella emotion for emotions of betrayal, confusion, and sadness, that all manifest into anger. So yes, I would be lying if I said, I wasn’t all of the emotions above. You gained my trust and the trust of countless other young women which is the most valuable thing an adolescent could bestow on to a coach or teacher. You should absolutely be held accountable because while there are two survivors that were entirely violated, there are so many others that have also been impacted by the repercussions of your choices.
Speaking of teaching, I want to take the opportunity to turn my anger into something more productive and thank you. Of course, you taught me about my favorite sport, but now, you’ve taught me a far more valuable lesson. Unfortunately, the lesson had to be through extreme circumstances that entirely altered the lives of fellow teammates. You’ve taught me, through this, to be vigilant and aware that sexual assault is not what the media portrays it to be. Sexual assault is rarely random and often someone immersed in your life who begins to isolate a victim. You’re teaching me now, why it is so important to speak up and advocate rather than sitting on the sidelines. This lesson is coming now at a pivotal point in American history, making the importance of demanding higher expectations, accountability, and honesty as such crucial elements of what everyone should be implementing into daily life, moving forward.
To the reader: A dear friend and teammate of mine once said, “Forward is forward.” Educate, advocate, and if you take nothing else away from this piece, remain vigilant and trust your gut. That’s how we all will move forward.
Kindest regards,
-Channing Downing Bice