It’s the day you never thought would come. There’s no way this could ever happen to your friend, your sibling, your child, your parent, or anyone you love. But it does. It hurts in an inexplicably selfish way because realistically, behind the shock or anger, you know that the person it happened to is going through more than you might be able to fathom.
But here’s the tricky part of becoming that confidant for your loved one; the projection of anger and the displacement of shock, both of which are even trickier emotions. It could have happened to them yesterday, last month, last year, or multiple years prior, and somehow it’s easy to feel that same amount of shock and anger as you might have felt the day it happened to the person you loved. Regardless, this has to be one of the hardest conversations to have whether you yourself are the survivor, or someone you love was violated. So sit down, settle in, and take a breath. We are going to get through this together.
Don’t just listen to reply
While this might seem like somewhat vague advice, don’t immediately jump to providing resources, asking why, what happened, etc., it’s so important to remember that this story is coming from a place of unfathomable vulnerability. Let them tell the story beginning to end, of course to the extent they are comfortable with telling, before offering resources or asking questions. That part will come later in the conversation, just be patient.
Don’t be surprised if they tell you they got up the next day and pretended nothing happened
This may seem confusing, but the brain does confusing things when faced with trauma. The rationale here being that one way to deal with trauma is of course, to avoid it. Others deal with trauma in different ways that might not look exactly like, “getting up the next morning and going to work to pretend life was completely normal,” but it’s important to know that trauma responses are never a ‘one size fits all.’ Again, trauma responses can be confusing so don’t assume that an external behavior of pretending it never happened means the person might have faked it which I like to think is a good segway to my next piece of advice.
Because we don’t talk about it, it doesn’t get talked about
Oh, society and its expectations. Of course, this isn’t an easy topic or I wouldn’t be writing about having the conversation but sexual assault is something society as a whole likes to bury its head in the sand about, so to speak. It’s important to remember that the survivor is already thinking about the heavy burden society may place on that person.
“Do I report? Do I not? What if they think I was faking? They’re going to tell me I was asking for it or ask what I was wearing, because that’s what’s always asked. Could I handle the thought of watching my assailant get off scot-free if I decide to go through a long, drawn out court case? Because the justice system has proven that could be a high likelihood.”
It’s important to know that these thoughts race through the survivor’s mind at incomprehensible speeds. These thoughts race because society chooses not to acknowledge that this can’t happen and don’t want to talk about it from an educational standpoint. It’s 2017, the fact that this is still happening and people still need to be educated on this topic both from the standpoint that it is a harsh reality and that people shouldn’t be raping people in the first place, is still something I’ll never be able to wrap my mind around.
Don’t enable this victim blaming mindset to continue to exist
Victim blaming also is not a ‘one size fits all’ matter. This person in your life chose to tell you or finally break their silence about the matter, so of course, don’t strike with the typical, “Were you drinking? What were you wearing?” questions, but also don’t approach this with anger, no matter how much you want to give the person that did this to your loved one a piece of your mind. This isn’t about you or your emotions, it’s about them, their emotions, or their story.
It’s their story, not yours. It’s the survivors turn to have control again.
Again, it’s so important to know that when the survivor breaks their silence, however they choose to do so, in the process of it your loved one had to briefly relive the violation that happened to them. If you weren’t the first person to know about it, it isn’t coming out of a place of distrust toward you, it’s coming from a trauma response regardless of the time that’s passed. There’s a point of wanting to pretend it never happened because you feel disgusted with yourself and then there’s a point of needing to get it off your chest. The duration of time that’s went by since it happened is irrelevant because everyone heals in different ways at different times. Trust me, I haven’t always been on the end of just being a listener.
Reporting might not always be the answer for everyone in every situation
These situations are not all exactly the same, if they were, this issue might have some sort of remedy where these atrocities weren’t happening to others, regardless of gender. In some cases, the person might believe that law enforcement won’t do anything, will blame the survivor, the assailant is family, the assailant is across state lines, among countless other grey areas alongside sexual assault that shouldn’t have to happen. It’s important to not get too overzealous or passionate about commanding the survivor to report because at the end of the day, it has to be the survivor’s decision and that survivor will live with the repercussions of reporting or not reporting. Not you.
The story is over, now what do you say?
This is the part of the conversation you might need Kleenex for. First and foremost, thank them for trusting you with this story and applaud them for their strength. The survivor became vulnerable and relived the incident again by telling this story. It takes so much strength to tell the story again, even if you only need someone to just listen to it. Then, in an effort to help without controlling the situation or the story, let them know that you are available any time of day to go anywhere with them for what they may need. This could be in the form of walking them to a counselor and sitting in the waiting room until they come back out. This could be in the form of walking them home if they don’t feel safe, or just being a simple presence for them to talk to or make them feel less alone. Lastly, let them know that you love and support them and regardless of what decision they make or don’t make in regards to this situation, you won’t love them any less.