I had just come back from my term studying abroad, and as the clock struck midnight to introduce 2017, I felt a rush of excitement knowing that my goals and expectations were going to be met. I was going to do incredibly well in my internship, focus on my fitness, build stronger bonds with my family members and create beautiful memories with my best friends and the love of my life.
Little did I know it would all come crashing down and that the first month of the New Year would be the hardest and full of the most tears.
It started with a stressful arrival to my university city. I was optimistic and was sure that I would have no problem finding a new place – a non-smoker with no pets and a well-paying internship should have no problem finding a place, right? Wrong. I ended up staying in an Airbnb for over a month which was not the two weeks I had originally planned. I remember going to house viewing after house viewing during my hour-long lunch breaks; and, with no car and limited time, I would taxi to and from basement suites/condos/apartments sometimes with not enough time to eat my lunch before heading to the next one. I remember going to a viewing for a place that seemed perfect. It had been a solid day and my taxi driver even offered to wait for me while I look at the place. Halfway through the viewing, the house owners rushed in saying that they no longer wanted renters and that whatever was going on had to stop. The agent and the homeowners argued and only paused for a moment to tell me to leave. I cried the entire taxi ride back to work.
While this was going on, my relationship was changing. The entire time I was abroad I was thinking about the wonderful person I had met in the summer. He was going to be my first everything – love, person I brought home to my parents. I thought the fact that he waited for me while I was abroad meant something. To be told that you’re not ‘the one’ is probably one of the worst things to hear. I remember bursting into tears on a bench and feeling so incapable of walking the 20 minutes back to my hostess’s place I had to call a friend to pick me up.
The worst of it all was feeling like my relationship with my mum was severed. My parents didn’t grow up in Canada and I think that is the biggest reason why we had and continue to have arguments. In January, my mum learned some things about my life that absolutely broke her heart because we were generally close. I cried hearing her cry and for the disappoint and hurt I had caused her.
January was unexpectedly hard, but I don’t resent January because I learnt a lot about myself. It made me realize I have a lot to be grateful for.
In the past, I hated when people tried to make me feel better when I was crying. However, this time around, having people around to make me feel better made me realize I have a ton to be grateful for. The fact that I had a roof over my head (even if it wasn’t a place of my own) in January is a something some people wish they had. The fact that I have friends who are willing to drive over and help me pack up my things, feed me and hold me even when I am crying ugly tears fills me with joy because some people only dream of friendships that good. When I was broken up with and wanted to cry all day, my Airbnb hostess wrote me a card and brought me flowers. The fact that I get to live in an environment that is full of so much love is something to wake up everyday feeling grateful for. Being consoled when you’re sad isn’t a bad thing – it opens your eyes to the wonder around you.
1. It made me realize how strong I am.
This sounds cheesy but it’s true. There were so many days I woke up crying or didn’t want to get out of bed because I was sure the present day was going to be just as bad or worse than the others. Somehow, I made it through and didn’t self destruct. It’s the small things that you can do for yourself that make you realize your strength – getting out of bed, showering daily, nourishing your body. The fact that I went into my internship for 40 hours a week and didn’t publicly break down is beyond me. Crying didn’t make me feel weak; it helped me to release more strength.
2. It taught me how to be honest with myself.
By allowing myself to cry, I could acknowledge the reasons behind the tears: frustration with myself for not putting 100% in my relationship earlier on;anger for not being more open with my parents and facing my problems head on; and, guilt for a lot of things that I didn’t need to take all the blame for. We lie to ourselves all the time but something beautiful happens when we are honest with ourselves – that is the moment we can truly become better.
Collegiettes, allow yourself to experience the cathartic release that is crying and move on to better things!