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Plotlines in Riverdale Described by Me, Someone Who Has Never Watched It

I made it through the first episode of Season 1 in 2017, back when Riverdale was still plausibly going to be an okay-ish show and still made sense. Kind of. I have to say, even in its earliest days, the show was a lot. Archie sleeping with Miss Grundy was the least of my worries, as it turns out, but it defeated me nonetheless. 

Imagine my surprise when I discovered that it’s still airing now, in March 2021. We’re on Season… 4? 5? And it keeps getting worse. So here, have some random plotlines that I’ve heard about over the years, described by yours truly. 

**Potentially incorrect spoilers ahead**

Archie runs away to Canada.

Starting out strong, we have Archie crossing the border in the dead of night and somehow working for Parks Canada without documentation of any kind, only to promptly get mauled by a bear. Americans are aware that we do actually have social systems in place, right? Also… Grizzly bears aren’t usually quite that accessible… and they leave bigger marks…

Riverdale gets overrun by Jingle-Jangle.

It’s some kind of drug, I think. Veronica gave this PSA as a promotional video, but I’m still unclear as to what exactly the drug does. Is it an upper? A downer? Apparently, it hits you like a frying pan, though. I’m pretty sure Veronica’s dad is somehow involved too.

Betty has a serial killer gene.

I can hardly write that with a straight face. I’m fairly certain that Betty’s mom is a serial killer (or maybe a vigilante). It could also be Betty’s dad. In any case, Betty wears a black wig sometimes and tries to boil someone alive in a hot tub (and might also be into BDSM for some reason).

Jughead’s in a gang. And is also allosexual.

God, I’m still mad. Jughead is one of the few canonically asexual characters in pop culture, and they made him date Betty. Anyway, his dad is in a gang and Jughead joins. Jughead becomes the leader at some point, I think. Bonus points for Betty pole-dancing to get in!

Cheryl carries around Jason’s dead body.

This one might be entirely hearsay, but honestly, given the weird incest vibes of the pilot, I wouldn’t doubt it.

A Dungeons and Dragons cult overruns Riverdale.

I wish I could make this stuff up. Pay me, Riverdale writers.

Someone builds a rocket.

I’m pretty sure Jughead dies in the same episode, but I’m not sure if it’s related to the rocket or not, and he’s resurrected at some point. I don’t think anyone goes to space, which is a shame; the show would be much improved by aliens.

The newest season involves the Mothman.

And Archie at some point dresses up as a fireman and goes to war. I couldn’t tell you why, though.

Riverdale is a comedy, guys. You heard it here first.

Eli Mushumanski is a queer Writing and English Honour undergrad in their fourth year at the University of Victoria. They specialize in fiction and poetry. Their work has been published by The Albatross, The Warren, and Flare: The Flagler Review, and they are a fiction editor at UVic's literary journal, This Side of West. When not caught up by schoolwork or reading, Eli plays Stardew Valley and chats with their mom on the phone.
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