This is a letter to you first-years from your big sister. I know you’re excited because being away from home means a newfound freedom to explore your sexuality without your parent’s judgement, but I am here to remind you that you gotta be smart and safe about it. Because do you want to know who’s even more excited? Men. Yes, ladies, those entitled self-righteous dudes are about to crawl out of the hole (more formally known as the CARSA gym) they came from in the hopes of wooing you.
The fun is all over the second you feel that looming presence over your shoulder at the next cluster party whisper, “Do you have any idea how many calories are in a shaft? Lemme get you a Hey Y’all, they’re so much better.” Just because a man is older, more educated and better looking than the guys back home does not mean he’s your Christian Grey. I’m here to remind you that I LOVE YOU and I think you deserve the best — whether that be in the context of a relationship or just a hookup.
You need to be treated like a human being
We’ve all heard the “lemme know when you break up with your boyfriend” comments from the guys who believe women are property. Now, just because the boys in your dorm know what toxic masculinity is, doesn’t mean they’re unaffected by it. We can’t choose whether or not we’re attracted to men… even if they identify with every Nickelback song. Therefore, we gotta weed out all those toads.
I like men, I am unironically admitting this. What I don’t like is men that see you ladies as objects of attention or even prizes. I think flirting is fun when it’s appropriate but please don’t think that “You should make out with your friend,” is his way of liberating your sexuality. You can be sexually liberated without hanging around jerks.
Do not make excuses for his behaviour, especially in the beginning. Do not be afraid of making your needs clear. Discussions of consent are non-negotiable. I’m gonna say that one more time: discussions of consent are non-negotiable! It doesn’t matter how experienced either of you are, or if this guy is just supposed to be a hookup. You have boundaries that need to be respected regardless of the situation. And for God’s sake wear a condom! I don’t care if you’re on birth control, STI’s and STD’s will come for anyone. Promise me right now that you will be smart and safe.
A list of red flags and other dumb-ass comments I’ve heard
I want to be clear and say I don’t think every guy is awful, but I also don’t want you to ruin your life because of your attraction to men. In fact, these tips should be considered regardless of gender or sexual orientation. Please consider how much this person actually respects you and other women if you hear him say:
“John Mayer is fucking gay.” This guy secretly loves John Mayer and will question all your music tastes. Also, don’t excuse his subtle homophobia.
“You’re not like other girls, you seem really chill.” You are like other girls and that’s okay because girls are wonderful.
“I pranked my friend by making him a Grindr.” Don’t sleep with someone whose casual homophobia is his way of flirting.
“You wanna FaceTime?” This is code for, “I need to show you my super mediocre dick.”
“Quentin Tarantino is my favourite director — the man’s a genius.” No judgement on either of you, but he’s probably into feet.
“I just don’t see why I’m not allowed to say it? They’re allowed to say it — isn’t this equality?” Get ready for him to start quoting bullshit from the one linguistics class he went to.
“You know it’s better for you to not wear a bra.” Just because he calls himself feminist does not mean that he is one.
Alternatively, the “I think chivalry is dead because of the feminists” guy is also not the man you want by your side.
“I’m a cuddler and I prefer getting to know someone in person.” Please don’t go to this guy’s place to “cuddle” him.
“I just want someone to spoil and spend my money on.” After the first month, this guy will get angry at you for never paying.
Or the latter for the guy who is way too cheap to ever pay: “I like girls who are independent.”
“It’s actually proven that some women can’t have orgasms.” Shut up.
“I like natural girls.” This guy doesn’t actually know what women look like.
“Adam Sandler movies are actually really good,” he says after saying all romcoms suck. All the movies he’s gonna ask you to watch are from a time before his parents got divorced. What do all of these seemingly harmless comments have in common? A blatant disregard for who you are as an actual person. Many men will have you believe that hanging out is an experience that exists purely for his pleasure or to enhance his life. Therefore, instead of accepting you in your entirety, you will be broken down into the pieces he likes — yeah, that’s right, it is possible to objectify a body AND a personality.
I am here to remind you that whatever you choose to do, you are not a commodity. You, my dear, are a whole-ass human being. Watch his behaviour around you, other girls and even other boys. If you read this article because of a boy, then he’s already too much stress and is easily replaceable. Alternatively, if you’re worried that he’ll replace you, then why do you wanna be with someone who thinks you’re replaceable? Now, go focus on the rest of the semester. That boy is not more interesting than your education.