I had never really cared about the Fifty Shades franchise nor engaged in any reading/watching of it. But when you’re home for reading break and you’re best friend proposes a marathon, you kinda have to. Let me just say watching them with a friend will make them more amusing, so amusing you feel the need to write an article on your thoughts. Proceed with caution there will be spoilers.
Fifty Shades of Gray
My thoughts and rating: The first of the trilogy doesn’t have much of a plot, or really much sex, for that matter. You just kinda wander from scene to scene without much development. But you do get a sense of how creepy Christian is: he stalks, manipulates, and scares Ana. And once they do start having something of a relationship, he keeps harassing her about his sex contract. Anyway, other than the terrible plot, the writing is cringeworthy and hard to take seriously. From the classic toast scene to the classic “I’m fifty shades of fucked up,” it was impossible not to laugh. 2/5
Taryn’s thoughts and rating: It was okay. Bad plot and not much sex, so neither of the things I was promised. Some of the lines were hilarious, though. Christian isn’t that hot, and Ana is really annoying, but Christian’s adopted brother Elliot is my type. I would give it a 2/5, or maybe a 2.5.
Fifty Shades Darker
My thoughts and rating: This one was all over the place. One second, Ana hates Christian, then they’re back together. Then, they’re having sex at parties, and the next minute, Ana is being threatened with a gun or being sexually assaulted. This movie can’t pick a lane and has so many random storylines put together, it’s comical. Like, Christian gets in a helicopter crash, but he’s okay five minutes later, so what was the point? It felt like most of the stuff was just filler because all the problems are solved in a couple minutes. Also, he proposes after a fight? What kind of world are they living in? I’d give it a 1.5/5.
Taryn’s thoughts and rating: I literally don’t remember what happened—that’s how unmemorable the plot was. But I do remember the sex. It was basically porn to fill up time in the middle of the story, which had some very nonsexy backstory, like Christian’s abusive childhood. I was happy that Ana fought back against Jack when he attacked her, though, instead of her just being saved like I figured she would be. I give it a 1.5/5 for plot, but a 5/5 for sex scenes.
Fifty Shades Freed
My thoughts and rating: I honestly was pleasantly surprised with this one. Ana suddenly got a personality and we had an overarching issue to solve—even if that issue made zero sense. Basically, Ana’s former boss, Jack, who got fired for assaulting her, is back and wants revenge. He straight up kidnaps Christian’s sister, which feels really extreme for what happened. Apparently, he was in the foster system with Christian and whatever, but his motives seem really weak. Anyway, they get married and Ana gets pregnant, which makes Christian freak out and gives us some classic unhealthy relationship moments, but by the end, they’re happy. I would give it a 3/5 for what it is and what it had to live up to.
Taryn’s thoughts and rating: The opening honeymoon scenes were great: I love how Ana goes topless at the beach, even though it makes Christian mad. The plot was better than in the last two, and so was Ana’s character, although I hated the ending. Basically, it just ends with her giving into what he wanted in the first movie, which kinda just defeats everything that has happened. But congrats to Kate and Elliott. I would give it a 3.5/5, but the ending a 0/5.
Would I recommend watching all three movies in one day? Only if you’re ready to cringe and have a friend to go through it with. Although they’re terrible and aren’t exactly the model for the best relationship, they sure are amusing.