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I Watched an Episode of Riverdale with no Context

The opinions expressed in this article are the writer’s own and do not reflect the views of Her Campus.

Hi, I’m Ali and I have a confession to make. I used to love Riverdale back in 2017. When I found it on Netflix, I thought “Wow, a show based on Archie comics? Why not?”

Since then, I don’t know what’s happened to the show. Like most people I know, I gave up watching the show around season two. Then an announcement came: Sabrina (from The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina) will be joining the Riverdale verse. As a huge Sabrina fan, did this mean I would have to force myself to start watching again?. 

 I truly have no idea what is happening in Riverdale these days. The last thing I remember about the show was the Heathers the musical-organ farm plotline. So I decided to jump right into a random episode of Season Five to try and see if the show might have improved over the past two years as well as try and figure out the plot thus far. I chose to live blog my thoughts on Season Five, chapter eighty-five, “The Destroyer”, for your enjoyment. So, here goes: 

  • Right off the bat… Aliens?

  • Betty is telling her mom it’s time for the game. I do not know what kind of game she is talking about. She’s also talking about blood. Ok…. 

  • Now it’s time to play football. “You don’t know the epic highs and lows of high school football” haha.

  • I guess it’s five years in the future! I thought Archie was in jail? Why is he coaching high schoolers now? Guess criminal record checks don’t exist.

  • The goatee is not the move, Cole Sprouse.

  • Cheryl is still on the maple syrup kick, huh.

  • Wait, so they’re all teachers now??

  • Of course, Jughead is an English teacher.

  • No, not a musical number!!

  • *cue ominous music and picture of the monster from The Shape of Water*

  • RIP Polly (but they never explicitly said she was dead so I don’t trust this verdict).

  • MOLE PEOPLE?? MOTH MEN??? SPACESHIP? I thought this was a show about a love triangle.

  • The constant tone changes in this show give me whiplash. 

  • The “BOOM” sound effect after everything is sending me. 

  • Reggie is so fine.

  • The script they gave Reggies is not doing him any favours: “Like, Yesterday”, “You suck”, “Loser, loser, loser.”  What grown man talks like this?

  • Kevin, you deserve happiness. I have no idea what’s happening.

  • Hiram Lodge supports the rival football team. Traitor. Also, wasn’t he a criminal? 

  • This reminds me of the time in fifth grade when I wrote Twilight-inspired fanfic for my short story assignment and my teacher pulled me aside for a ‘chat’. 

  • Derek you traitor. 

  • *cue sex scene*

  • For the record, when I did watch this show, I thought Betty and Archie were cute together. 

  • Betty, why are you lying to your mom? Alice is obviously not in a good place.

  • Death, (gasp), aliens (gasp), and underground monsters (oh my).

  • Why is Cheryl saying “hashtag”?

  • Kevin and his cardigan are leaving. 

  • So Jughead also works as a waiter? The Riverdale teacher’s union must have some crummy benefits. 

  • Holy crap! It’s T-Dub!

  • Why is Hiram Lodge so concerned with high school football?

  • And What/who is the moth man?

  • Steamy sauna scene??

  • Kevin just got beat up in the sauna. 

  • I just want Kevin to be happy. 

  • Betty is a #girlboss. 

  • Apparently, Betty is also part of the FBI?

  • This boy obviously ran away to the mole people. 

  • Time to play football!

  • Now Cheryl is performing “Stupid Love” by Lady Gaga for the high schoolers.

  • Archie is so inspirational. GO BULLDOGS!

  • The Bulldogs win! Never saw that one coming.

  • Alice is having a meltdown yet again. 

  • Glen seems suspicious. 

  • That was it?!

This episode of Riverdale gave me no clarity about which direction the show is heading. I am still just as confused as I was before I pressed play. While Cheryl’s performance was solid, I have no idea what will happen next. 

My verdict: 4/10. (I probably won’t watch any more until Sabrina shows up.)

Alison is a second-year English major at the University of Victoria. She is passionate about dance, classic literature, the Aritzia clearance rack, vegan smoothies, and supporting reproductive freedoms.
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