Dear Elle,
I have the weirdest problem: before coming to university I would
please myself a few times a week (if you know what I mean). Since I’ve
had to live with a roommate, though, I can’t get comfortable with the
idea that someone could hear me or, worse, walk in on me at any
moment. I’m about ready to explode, but don’t know what to do. And
don’t even think about suggesting dorm showers. Yuck.
— Too much tension
Dear Tension,
Quick — eat a chocolate before your serotonin drops to a
catastrophically low level. While you’re at it, you might be excited
to know that any activity that raises your heart rate (running,
singing, getting a piercing, even watching a scary movie) can evoke
similar endorphins to those you feel after that oh-so-satisfying ‘O’ —
not that I’m suggesting double-clicking the mouse isn’t where it’s at.
Now that you can think a little clearer, though, it’s a good time to
figure out what’s going on that’s got you so tensed up. Back home, did
you masturbate when no one was there, or have a house big enough that
even the mice couldn’t hear your moans of delight? Does your anxiety
come from a past experience of getting walked in on, or are you just
afraid of how people will judge you if they know how great you love
yourself? Whatever your old pattern, your new mate seems to be
infringing on your freedom more than normal. Now, it’s up to you to
swell to the challenge.
If you aren’t comfortable enough to suggest to your roomie that she
gives you and your vibrator a romantic night alone, let’s brainstorm a
few ways you can still maximize on privacy without devolving into a
pent-up mess.
First, let’s tackle timing. Unless your roomie is skipping all her
classes, you should be able to ask with relative confidence when she
will be out for the day. Plan accordingly and get up the gumption to
chance it. If you’re really desperate, you could also try tempting her
with something like a free movie ticket to the 7 p.m. showing that you
“just can’t use” to get her motivated to leave the safety of your
abode.
Next, location, location, location. Have you thought about sneaking
off to a more private spot? How about a never-used closet room in the
building basement, a rooftop where only the birds can see you, or a
secluded spot in the woods? (Granted, public indecency is illegal, and
putting yourself at the risk of being eaten by wild animals sounds
like it would hamper more than help you in this situation, but we’re
brainstorming here.) If you can take a mini-vacation home, or maybe
score a housesitting job on the weekends, that could at least help to
keep you going.
Finally, pick a method for your madness. While you don’t mention your
favourite way to get your jollies, it could be time to experiment with
a quicker or quieter method. For a less-obvious vibe sound, try
plug-ins over battery-operated vibratos, or add a few blankets to
muffle the sound. Experiment with the silence of fingers, dildos or,
yes, even the secrecy of the shower.
While it might be counter-intuitive to you right now, practicing — and
finding out that getting found out is not as intimidating as you think
— may be the only way to get past this one, and back to those blissful
‘O’s.