Dear Tomothy,
First, let me make it abundantly clear that you are not a real person. Rather you are a compilation of many people. Think of yourself as an amalgamation of all the boys I’ve ever made out with, hooked up with, had a fling with or dated.
As it turns out, Tomothy, you are a pretty inconsequential part of my life. Sure, at the time, you may have seemed like The BIGGEST DEAL EVER, but when it comes right down to it, I’d say you were more like that annoying fruit-fly infestation that occurs once a summer. You know, when all the fruit flies seem to be multiplying like mad and you wonder to yourself how it’s even possible to produce this many fruit flies if they only have a lifespan of like two hours or something. So next thing you know, you’re up into the wee hours of the night googling how to make the most effective fruit-fly trap, and then when all else fails, you briefly debate giving up fruit as a desperate act to purge your home of fruit flies. Then suddenly, as if some sort of sorcery happened overnight, they all just disappear and you forget that they were even there in the first place. That fruit fly infestation, that’s you.
Here’s the thing, Tomothy: we had our fun, but at the end of the day, you turned out to be what I like to call a less than ideal situation, or if you’re into acronyms, an LTIS. What I realized was that your eyes weren’t that blue, your accent was actually kind of annoying, your jokes were low-key offensive, and you just weren’t that nice of a guy. Don’t get me wrong, Tomothy—we definitely had fun while it lasted, even if it only lasted for a night (GASP), but in the end, I knew you weren’t going to be someone I had fun with forever.
To be fair to you, Tomothy, it wasn’t all bad. In fact, you taught me some very valuable lessons, like if you feel off about someone or something, there’s probably a reason and you should trust your gut. You also taught me that, while first impressions are super important, it’s how you act a few weeks into the relationship that really matters. I also learned that, just because someone shows interest in you, that doesn’t mean you’re obligated to like them back or give them a chance if you’re not into it.
Lastly, Tomothy, as cliché as this may sound, you showed me that, no matter what you did or how we ended, I would always land on my feet and be fine on my own. I guess, in a way, I would like to thank you, Tomothy, because without you, I would never have learned so many valuable lessons.
So cheers to you, Tomothy. You were never going to be right for me, but maybe you’ll be right for someone else. I wish you the best of luck in all your future endeavours.
Sincerely,
Linda Jane Coley