Tinder: Love it or hate it, just about everybody has an opinion on it and has probably swiped on people at least a few times. Baby boomers bemoan Tinder as the “death of romance” (whatever, Barbara, go write another long-winded article about how lazy millennials are), while others tell stories of using it to meet and fall in love with their significant others. The reality of Tinder is probably somewhere in between. Whether you’re currently single and swiping right furiously looking for Prince Charming or just use the app out of boredom, if you have Tinder you’ve definitely noticed a few repeating patterns. Here are the ten types of guys you can always find on Victoria’s tinder.
1) The Party Bro
His picture was taken by the club photographer, and in choosing it he wants to make it clear where his priorities are. He’s probably a fun enough guy, and if you’re looking for somebody to dance and drink with, he’s your man. However, don’t bother swiping right if you’re looking for a quiet coffee date, as this guy isn’t really used to making small talk with all that loud music!
2) Just a Boy and his Fish
For some reason, there are SO MANY guys on Tinder just casually holding dead fish, and I don’t understand. Is fishing your ideal date? Is this dead fish your greatest accomplishment in life? Will you be presenting the fish to me as a dowry type thing? Is this a giant weird joke that I’m not in on? Fish Boys of Tinder, PLEASE EXPLAIN.
3) “I have a cute dog, therefore I am cute by association”
Okay, confession: I have 100% swiped right on guys because their dog was cute. Actually, I’ve been on a date where I just brought my dogs and met this guy and his dog at a park, and even though the guy wasn’t great, his dog sure was, so it was 10/10 worth it. What I’m saying is, even though I can TOTALLY SEE RIGHT THROUGH GUYS WHO USE THEIR DOGS TO GET RIGHT SWIPED, I still swipe right for dogs. And honestly, I would recommend everybody else swipe right for cute dogs too, because dogs are amazing. (Just ignore the owner and it’ll be fine.)
4) The Very Outdoorsy Guy
Maybe his picture is him hiking in a scenic location, or surfing some waves, or just casually hanging out in a tent. No matter what, his Tinder paints a picture of a life full of adventures, and he definitely mentions the word hiking in his bio. HOWEVER, an outdoorsy Tinder bio can actually mean two things: either A) he actually is outdoorsy and if you match with him you’ll need to get ready for a 6am hike, or B) he read the same article that the rest of us did where it suggests using pictures that make you seem adventurous, and actually this guy literally only hiked that one time. (Honestly though, same. My Tinder has a picture of me ziplining, but in real life my hobbies are Netflix and sleeping.) If he’s cute and seems nice, swipe right, but be prepared for both types!
5) Your Ex
Victoria’s population is about 350,000, yet somehow you will always run into your ex. This is true for Tinder too. Fun story: I’ve never actually found my ex on Tinder, that would be too easy. Instead, my mom came home one day, asked me if I knew what Tinder was (yes, mother, I do) then proceeded to tell me that her COWORKER had found my ex while on Tinder and recognized him because his main picture was of us at grad! Lovely! Whether it’s your mom awkwardly telling you that your ex is on Tinder (probably just me), or you happen to find him on your own, the situation is always awkward and terrible. What do you do if you find your ex on Tinder? SWIPE LEFT!
6) The ~Awkward~ Acquaintance
The above note about Victoria being a small world applies here too! Whether it’s a coworker, friend of a friend, or a friend’s ex, finding somebody that you vaguely know and sometimes run into in real life on Tinder is always weird. If it’s somebody you like, then swipe right if you’re ready for a potentially awkward situation. Don’t like them? Swipe left, and hopefully the subject never comes up!
7) The Brooding Hipster
He has a beard and a man bun. His glasses are oversized and he stares soulfully into the camera. His bio is probably a caption of some sort, to add another tinge of faux-depth to the profile. He might be a nice guy, BUT he might also act like a pretentious f*ckboy who thinks he’s special for reading David Foster Wallace and J.D. Salinger and never listening to the Top 40. Swipe right, but only if you’re ready for the latter as well as the former.
8) The Athlete
I didn’t know we had so many hockey players until I got Tinder. Victoria has a lot of basketball and rugby players too, but hockey players are definitely the majority of athletes on Tinder. These guys are incredibly fit and very attractive, but get ready to spend most of your dates either discussing sports or attending their games!
9) The Headless F*ckboy
Shirtless with their heads cropped out, these guys apparently think that their abs are so incredible that you don’t even mind the fact that you have LITERALLY NO IDEA WHAT THEY ACTUALLY LOOK LIKE. Honestly, posting a shirtless and headless picture on Tinder isn’t even going to attract the people looking for a one night stand, because the whole “headless and badly lit photo” thing just screams serial killer. C’mon f*ckboys, at least act like you aren’t utter creeps.
10) Your Dream Bae
Ha, no, you probably aren’t finding your future life partner on Tinder. I mean, unless you’ve been dreaming since you were a little girl about some scrawny white boy holding a fish, because if that’s the case, damn, you are in the right place.