That Time I Went to a Hand-Job Workshop

As implied in the title, this article will be discussing some sexy material, and as such I will be using sexual language. This article is not for children - you have been warned.

Great, you're still here so that disclaimer did not deter you from the fantastically true accounts of the all-to-real Handjob Workshop that I had the privilege of attending this past Thursday, January 22, 2015 in the Banting Institute, hosted by UToronto’s very own Sexual Education Centre (SEC) located on 21 Sussex Avenue Unit 612. Some of you may be thinking to yourself: “but Hannah, what is a hand-job workshop? Is that really something that needs to be taught?” Fear not, dear reader, for I shall divulge in all the delicious details momentarily.

The day started out as a typical one for me: class, lunch, class, and then momentary silence. I waited for my companion to join me outside of my second class and when he showed up we talked a little bit about our days before we went on our merry way to attend the seminar (lecture doesn’t sound quite right in this case, and the workshop was equal parts tutorial and information). It should be noted that my companion, Jason, was a man; and was also not the most keen on the idea of stimulating phallic objects. My partner and I arrived on location about 40 minutes early, because who doesn’t want to show up early for a handjob workshop? Maybe there was a prize for Eager McBeavers like us – like sexy loot bags (there was not), and we sat in a congressional lecture hall meant for seating at least 200 people. 

We sat and looked on as the demonstrators filed in and prepared their sex-themed goody bags (which were covered in hand painted penises, jizzing hearts!), silver dildos, and worksheets. It’s kind of a surreal experience looking back on it as I have never seen so many dildos on a school desk before, just casually sitting there. It was like, “Oh hey Dildo, how’s it hangin’? My professor usually puts coffee where you're sitting.”

Unsurprisingly, Jason was not impressed as impressed by the dildos as I was. there was seductive jazz music playing as well, because great hand-jobs, as we learned, always have mood music. 

As time went on, the groups of young participants filled the room and at maximum capacity, the group totaled to around 20-22 people. Once the audience had settled into their seats and selected their preferred phallic object (cucumbers and wooden dildos called “Woodies” were also provided along with lots and lots of lube) we were greeted by our friendly host who instructed us on proper dick-grabbing protocol; sadly, pictures were frowned upon, so I don’t have visual footage of any of the tutorial. As part of the lesson we were told to squeeze, twist, cup, pull, tease, touch, flick, prod, poke, thumb, finger, and massage various areas of the penis: the glans, the shaft, the frenulum, the testicles, and some uncommon but deeply sensitive regions such as the thighs, the perianal region, and the region where the dick meets the body (called “Ralph” in this demonstration.)

Now, I should just like to say here that being the absolute virgin I am, I used a whole packet of lube on my dildo and the whole ordeal of “pleasuring” it became quite tricky as my fingers were sticky and my work-station was a mess. Jason laughed at me. A lot. But I would just like to point out as well that while my lube-mishap kept me from preforming at my best, the effort and sincerity with which I facilitated my hand-job was unparalleled. Jason did not enthusiastically grip his dildo, but he did finger it like a champ! In addition to the hands-on portion of the tutorial, we were given a visual demonstration of different positions two sexual partners could engage in for optimal hand-jobs. 

Two of the instructors mounted a large desk and configured their bodies into a seated position whereby the person officiating the hand job sits with their knees up in between the person receiving the hand job’s knees as they lie down; they also demonstrated various positions favorable for a sex act which the head instructor referred to as “titty-fucking.” Basically, it was magical! I’m talking two grown women, one equipped with a massively erect false penis, straddling each other and simulating sex acts in a lecture-hall…A+ material here, folks. After the position demonstrations, we were shown a few clips from a “sexual massage instructional video” called ‘Red Hot Touch’ which featured cool moves like “Patty Cake”, “Twist and Shout”, and of course “Great Balls of Fire.” 

The video was as one would expect, porn, however it was porn with a message. The attractive, naked models were not just groping each other and fondling for the sake of fucking, no…these were actors engaging in acts of sexual passion for our benefit. They were giving us the gift of knowledge through their ardent foreplay. Granted, some of the acts depicted looked kind of painful – the “Twist and Shout” for example basically entailed one partner violently twisting the penis owner’s member until it resembled a fleshy churro or perhaps an uncircumcised piece of twine – but the guys were loving it! Most memorable of the sex acts depicted however was “Great Balls of Fire” which we will get to in a minute. One thing I really enjoyed about this demonstration was that it was super chill and comfortable; as an onlooker, I didn’t feel uncomfortable at all. The material discussed was inclusive and applicable to both men and women, circumcised and those whose dick cozies are turtlenecked. 

The instructors were well versed in their craft and knew both the important facts – like oil based lubricants are not compatible with condoms – and the fun ones, like did you know that some men really respond well to something called ‘orgasm torture’? This is basically when you keep stroking them off whilst they are coming, and others find it incredibly uncomfortable. I don’t entirely know what I expected when I entered that room, but what I received was a lifetime supply of dick fun facts in a condensed hour-and-a-half period.

In short, I found the whole experience to be fun, informative, and really persuasive. The slogan that seemed to be passed around was that “hand-jobs get a bad rap” and after attending this workshop, I think any open-minded and sexually curious person would agree that hand-jobs can be fun for both the giver and the receiver. Now as I mentioned, I did not attend this seminar alone. I dragged third year Engineering student, Jason G, with me and interviewed him afterwards to get his perspective on the whole ordeal. Jason is a native of Barbados and subscribed to many heteronormative views about the male anatomy and sex so for him, attending this event was something that definitely put him out of his comfort zone. But he so totally rocks for doing it!

To conclude my review of this unique experience, here is our interview which occurred in my kitchen after the event:

Hannah (H): Okay, when I first mentioned the idea of having you accompany to this event what were your thoughts?

Jason (J): “I was excited because I thought it would mean better hand-jobs and I just wanted to watch a bunch of people stroke dildos. I wanted to be a model.”

H: Yup. How did these thoughts change during and after your experience with the tutorial?

J: “Well I thought that the tutorial was relatively informative, but that there wasn’t enough hands on experience. See what I did there?”

H: Ok, that’s a fair point. Hilarious… Is that the first time you have fondled a dildo and what was your impression of the whole ordeal?

J: “That is most certainly the first time I have fondled a dildo. I’m not particularly interested in a phallus that isn’t mine. It felt rather uncomfortable to stroke the penis in front of me; the angle felt wrong.”

H: Now let’s get serious for a minute, how positive or negative do you think having an event like this is for promoting safe-sex?

J: “I think once everybody goes with an open mind it’s effective because the whole event was pretty fun, so once you can get across the message with the fun then it’s an effective method for teaching safe sex. Also the language used was very colloquial so it encouraged a comfortable environment.”

H: Did you learn anything new and if so, what did you learn?

J: “I learned about ‘Great Balls of Fire.’ A lot of the techniques looked a little painful, um, but some of them looked fun. But I must reiterate that ‘Great Balls of Fire’ is a very disturbing technique.”

H: Jason, please let the people know what ‘Great Balls of Fire’ is exactly.

J: “’Great Balls of Fire’ is a maneuver where one partner firmly grasps the receptive partner’s testicles and squeezes them so blood cannot properly circulate. This gives the red appearance and also the appearance of great discomfort…”

H: So you don’t want this done to you?

J: “It’s 50-50.”

H: Okay…moving on. What was the most memorable portion of the tutorial for you?

J: “What I found most memorable was the position demonstration for improved hand-jobs.”

H: Was it awkward having me there with you? Does this event make you want to talk more openly about sex with your friends or partners?

J: “It definitely wasn’t awkward, it made it a little less uncomfortable. And, just, the fun light atmosphere made me want to go tell my friends all about hand-jobs.”

H: What’s one thing omitted from the tutorial that you wish had been covered?

J: “If you go too hard, you will break it.”

H: How would you rate this experience compared to A – other educational experiences in your life and B – other sexual education you have received?

J: “I’d say A – it was definitely one of the more entertaining lessons I’ve had even though it was a little uncomfortable and B – compared to other sex education it’s much better than my High School teaches telling me I was gonna get chlamydia and go blind.”

H: Finally, did you have fun and would you recommend this event to a friend? Why or Why not?

J: “I had fun, but I wouldn’t recommend this to my more conservative friends as I can see a lot of them being uncomfortable with holding a dildo. But definitely to anyone who is open to sex and is a sex-positive person; it’s a fun, enlightening experience.”

Image Sources:

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