Edited By: Laura Sweet
It’s fair to say that it is difficult in today’s age to tell whether your relationship is healthy or not. Recent depictions in mainstream television and movies, like Euphoria and The Kissing Booth, tend to normalize, or at least glamourize, unhealthy relationships, which can have dangerous consequences on teens and young adults conceptions of what a stable, mutually beneficial relationship should look like.
More than misconceptions of what a healthy relationship looks like, there are also common ideas of what an unhealthy relationship looks like; for example, relationships that involve physical violence. Although physical violence is a massive red flag and signals an immediate threat to your safety, there are also other, less commonly talked about, red flags that people often miss or tend to disregard.
Red Flag: They lie to you
The age old saying, “if we don’t have trust, we don’t have anything” really comes into play here. As repetitive as it is, trust truly is the foundation of every healthy relationship. You should never have to second guess if your partner is telling you the truth, or be paranoid if they’re not out where they say they are.
Green Flag: They support you unconditionally
Your partner should never weigh you down or keep you from being successful. If they really love you, they’ll support you no matter what. This can mean giving you some space and time if you’re struggling to meet academic/work deadlines, always showing up to cheer you on at events your in, and them telling you that they’re proud of you, among other displays of support. Bottom line is they should never be jealous or resentful of your success.
Red Flag: They are controlling
Your partner should never need to control your movements, what you wear, who you see or talk to, and so on. For example, if your partner demands you to unfollow all members of the gender you’re attracted to, or wants you to cut off communication with people you spend a lot of time with, these are massive signs that should not be ignored.
Green Flag: They’re open with you
Obviously everyone has certain things that they’re not comfortable with sharing or they have a timeline that they want to follow before they can completely share everything with you when it comes to their past. However, it’s crucial that they’re open with you about things regarding the present. This means keeping an open line of communication with you, expressing their emotions, being honest and telling you what they need or don’t want, and so on.
Red Flag: They get defensive often
This can look like never apologizing even when they’re clearly in the wrong, not taking responsibility for their actions, gaslighting you (turning their issues around on you and making you question your judgments and reality), and so on. Although this can seem like simple, childish behaviour, it can also be an unhealthy form of manipulation in your relationship.
Green Flag: They take care of themself and you
A healthy relationship cannot succeed if both partners don’t know themselves as individuals first. Even if you two belong together, a relationship may not work (at least not in a healthy way) if both partners mental healths and lives aren’t stable first. A great sign in a partner is if they are in tune with and take time for themself, while still keeping you in mind.
Red Flag: They don’t take “no” for an answer
This doesn’t just include consensual sex, which of course is an absolute necessity. It also includes when they don’t respect your boundaries, they disregard when you say you’re not available, and when they try and pressure you to do things that you’ve already expressed you don’t want to do. Essentially, this means that they don’t respect you or your word.
Green Flag: They can be vulnerable with you and vice versa
This means that your partner is able to let their guard down to you, and is in touch with themself enough to be able to express their fears, hopes, sadness, anger, happiness, and so on. Similarly, they won’t judge you for being vulnerable with them either. You or your partner should never feel like you have to keep your feelings bottled up; it’s healthy and necessary to be able to share your thoughts and even cry with your partner, even if it’s scary.
Although there are countless more red and green flags to be on the lookout for in a relationship, just remember that although being happy in a relationship is necessary, it’s not the only important thing. An unhealthy relationship is not simply contained within your relationship; it can extend and negatively impact your relationships with others, your ability to foster healthy relationships with other partners in the future, and your mental health and wellness.
Remember that there is no expiration date for these green and red flags; make sure that, no matter how long you’ve been with your partner, that you ensure these green flags last and that you are aware of any red flags that may suddenly pop up. Overall, it’s okay to let things go if they don’t make you feel good; always put your wellbeing first and try and live you happiest, healthiest life, whatever that means for you.
If you are experiencing a crisis and need someone to talk to, here are some resources that can help:
Toronto Distress Centres: call 416 408-4357 or 408-HELP
Toronto Rape Crisis Centre: call 416-597-8808
Assaulted Women’s Hotline: call 1-866-863-0511
Domestic Violence Helpline: call 604-875-0885