As someone who’s usually pretty chatty and loves a good convo, you’d think networking would come naturally. I mean, I’ve worked in customer service, I’m known to be bubbly and social and honestly, my friends even tell me I have the right personality for this stuff. Talking to strangers in this context shouldn’t be so hard, right? And yet, the second it’s called a “coffee chat” or a networking event, I suddenly want to curl into a ball and disappear. Why does something that should feel easy suddenly make me so self-conscious? It’s not even just that networking itself is scary, it’s that somewhere along the way, it has started to feel like a performance. The LinkedIn language kicks in and you start tailoring your personality to be impressive, not authentic. It makes you wonder, are we really making genuine connections, or just marketing ourselves? And the follow-up question I constantly wonder is: does it have to be this way?
Why does networking often feel like acting?
When I think of networking, I often feel like I will have to act like someone I am not. Someone who has it all together, when in reality I don’t! That being said, here are a few reasons why it feels so performative:
→ You’re expected to sound confident, even when you’re confused. It’s like you’re pitching a version of yourself that doesn’t quite exist yet.
→ There’s a lot of pressure to only highlight the “wins.” It doesn’t leave that much space to be honest about the parts of your journey that feel messy or uncertain, even though that’s often the most human part of it all.
→ It can feel transactional. All the smiling and carefully worded highlights have me wondering: is this really a genuine connection or just us trying to prove our worth in exchange for a seat at the table?
For me personally, it feels even more intimidating being in the tech field where everyone seems to have side projects, hackathon wins, or the “next big thing” on their resume. Of course, they’re posting about it all too (but we’ll get into that later). As a computer science and statistics student, half the time I feel like I’m still trying to figure out what I actually even know, which makes me ask, what am I really marketing? It’s hard not to wonder if I’m supposed to act more accomplished or confident than I feel just to keep up.
Has social media and being constantly “seen” made this harder?
The familiar inferiority complex has been forever worsened by the invention of social media and the rise of LinkedIn warriors. Maybe that’s why authentic networking feels so rare these days. When everyone is constantly curating their highlight reels and posts, it’s tough not to slip into performative habits.Social media hasn’t just raised the stakes, it’s shifted the whole meaning of networking, making every interaction feel a bit more like a performance than a real conversation.Additionally, the being constantly “seen” aspect only makes it harder! The pressure to look good online pushes us to rack up as many coffee chats as possible, chase that reference or shareable moment just for the opportunity to say, “Hey, look what I’m doing!” Of course, people have always wanted to form connections, but now it almost seems as though the network itself has to look impressive too.
Is it possible to pursue an opportunity without losing authenticity? Can we connect with people in our field as people first?
Don’t get me wrong, of course, networking is important and beneficial.Connecting with people, learning from each other, and sometimes lending a helping hand, it all matters. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t notice how often things feel a little too strategic. For instance, at the Reactor Women in Tech conference I attend yearly, every conversation seemed to end with, “Want to connect on LinkedIn?” Which, sure, is the point but this observation often made me wonder if people are genuinely interested or just waiting for the perfect moment to ask for a favour.
At that same event, I remember a guest speaker talking about how she’d carefully plan coffee chats, starting with “just advice” but ultimately hoping it would lead to a reference. Again, I get it! There’s nothing wrong with being ambitious and making things happen for yourself, it is very necessary as that’s how doors open. Still,sometimes it feels like we’re encouraged to approach networking as a game of opportunities first and sincerity second, which makes even the most outgoing people (like me) feel a bit apprehensive about the whole thing.
It could be a confidence thing, or maybe it’s just the pressure to always be “on” especially in tech, where as I mentioned, visibility feels like currency.All in all, it’s not networking itself that’s the problem, genuine connections definitely still exist! But in its current state, especially with social media constantly in the mix, it’s easy to feel like every conversation needs to double as a strategy.And honestly? That’s exhausting.
I really do admire the people who navigate networking with ease, and I’m still making sure I try my best to learn from them. But if there’s one thing I hope we can remember, it’s that the best kind of networking isn’t about selling some perfect version of yourself. It’s actually about showing up as someone you’d genuinely want to work with! Curious, kind, and yes, still figuring things out. Maybe if we made that the standard, all of us could breathe a little easier and connect for real.