I am in the process of recovering from a recent breakup. There was nothing dramatic, nothing special, just distance and the relationship not working anymore. I still hold love for the person, but I simply couldn’t be a girlfriend anymore. There were faults in the relationship and, of course, you don’t see many of them until after the relationship is over.
I was talking with my mom (I love you, mama) after the breakup. She was sympathetic because that person had become part of our family for a while, but she admitted to the concerns that she couldn’t voice while I was in the relationship. She could see that this person was putting me on a pedestal and holding me above everything else in their life. When she mentioned that to me, a piece clicked into place in my mind about why there was a gut feeling of uncomfortable and unreciprocated emotions. Moving away from home and being in my first year of university helped me to re-evaluate my values and what I wanted in my life; not being a girlfriend was one of them. It was not so much that I wanted to be single, but I just couldn’t give my partner what they needed me to give anymore. Time and distance change a person and I embraced these changes.
After the relationship was officially over, we had a hard time cutting off contact. This person was my best friend for almost two years and we talked every day; I couldn’t go cold turkey. I didn’t feel truly single until we had finally cut off communication. I felt their absence in my heart and notifications—they really weren’t in my life anymore. It was so real. I didn’t know how to cope; I’d go on mindless walks in the city in the early hours of the day, lost my appetite, and isolated myself from my friends. I felt silly about reacting the way I did even though I was the one that initiated the breakup. I wanted the separation, so why was I acting like this?
My mom also mentioned that my dad was worried about me being “lined up” again. I asked her what on earth that means. She said to make sure that there was no one in my life right now that I was lined up to date next. There’s not, but the concern from my dad is completely justified since I started dating in grade eight at the very ripe age of 13, and the longest I had been single was maybe three and a half months. For 5 years of my life, I played the girlfriend. I adopted the boyfriend’s friends and their humour and adapted myself to be what they wanted me to be. I’m so eternally grateful for this most recent relationship because it was so healthy and I was able to develop my sense of self and be supported by this person who loved me so much. I was able to gain independence while having a safety net. It hurts that they’re not in my life anymore. I could find another person to date to give me that satisfaction, but I don’t want a partner and I took what my dad said to heart: I have no one in my life “lined up” for me. I am single. Totally, officially, single. So why don’t I feel like it?
“the single girl”
The Single Girl. The girl who broke away from the man in her life and is free! She is giddy and uncaged. The Single Girl had a hard breakup and possibly got cheated on (possibly with her best friend!). The Single Girl is a new woman now—she has cut off a toxin in her life. The Single Girl might be cunning and witty now, having gained a deeper understanding of the world around her. The Single Girl has evolved into something new and shiny, and maybe she is “lined up” for the next, better person who will treat her well now that she respects herself. The Single Girl is everything she wanted to be when she was held back by the pressures of girlfriendhood. She is free, she is happy, she is elated, and she is satisfied with her life.
I am now a girl who is single—why am I not feeling happy-go-lucky in my newfound “freedom”? Why am I not skipping out of buildings humming 2000s pop tunes and freely flirting with new, exciting people? Where was my drama? Where are my girlfriends rushing to coax me out of my room with ice cream and rom-coms? Where is my big bounce-back makeover sequence?
I have existed for men my whole life. I have dressed, acted, and played the part. I have been defined by men and let it happen for so long. I am not “breaking free,” I am understanding. I am addressing issues and trying to fix them. Who am I when I’m not someone’s girl? Who am I when I’m not someone’s possible new girl? Who am I when I’m alone? I didn’t realize I was playing a part until I realized I missed it. Some part of my brain—rotten and soaked in the domestic fantasy—misses caring for a man, feeling the validation of sending cute selfies, or the jealous looks from the perceived-by-me inferior, unhappy single girls who couldn’t land a man. Understanding that was my first step out of the black and into the blue.
Being by myself for these past few weeks has taught me more about myself than I’ve ever learned in any relationship. I reconnected with my friends and they supported me. I reached out to get professional help. I picked up old pastimes that I had missed. I started journalling again out of necessity, but now it’s a religious practice. My personal journal is like my bible; my private thoughts are holy. My coping and break-up journey has been a really rocky one, but I’m moving towards being comfortable on my own. A Single Girl who is nuanced, unrefined, honest with herself, and is only for herself. I am my own Single Girl.