One of the most common yet isolating problems women, particularly young women, tend to experience with their sexuality is inability or difficulty climaxing, either with a partner or independently. A study conducted by the Kinsey Institute helps demystify the female orgasm with some shocking statistics. According to the study:
-33-50 percent of women experience orgasms “infrequently” and are dissatisfied with how often they reach orgasm
 -10-15 percent of American women have never experienced an orgasm
-Approximately 75 percent of women can’t achieve orgasm exclusively through sexual intercourse (and require the use of toys, clitoral stimulation, etc)
These shocking numbers show that many of today’s young, non-orgasmic women are left feeling “broken”, isolated, and alone in post-sex situations. Having grown up watching Samantha from Sex and the City achieve an orgasm with every one-night stand she slept with and being bombarded to pictures and songs that depict sexasbeing a mutually orgasmic experience, its no wonder young women who can’t climax are left to think something is wrong with them.
The impacts of not being able to achieve orgasm can vary from one person or relationship to the next, depending on how the female and her partner chose to address their situation. For some, like Jane*, the inability to climax is simply something they come to terms with, and they still enjoy their sexuality to the fullest. “Being unable to cum used to be a much bigger deal to me in the past than it is now. It’s something I’ve learned to accept about my-self, and any guy I’ve been with has struggled to deal with it but has eventually come around”(Jane, 3rd year Political Sciences). For others, being unable to achieve orgasm can have negative impacts on their sexual experiences and personal relationships: “It’s something I’m learning to deal with, but it’s not easy. I sometimes resent the partners I’m with for being able to cum when I can’t, even if I don’t mean to. It can take a toll on my long-term relationships and sometimes makes it hard to maintain healthy, happy sexual relationships” (Christie, International Development Master’s student). Christie went on to explain that sometimes she felt it might be easier to fake an orgasm and she’s not the only one who feels that way.
According to a study by theUniversity of Kansas, nearly 70 percent of women have reported faking an orgasm. The reasons one might do this can vary: a fake orgasm can give one’s partner an ego boost, it can end an otherwise “endless” session of intercourse (as one’s partner might refrain from climaxing them-selves until she does), and some women fake orgasms because they like the way they are viewed through their partner’s eyes when climaxing. Regardless of the reason, one thing is certain: faking an orgasm is not the way to improve one’s sexual experience. It can lead to deceit, feelings of betrayal and doesn’t help get both partners closer to mutual orgasms.
That being said, for those who have a hard time dealing with the fact that they can’t achieve orgasm, all hope is not lost. There are several resources right here in Ottawa that can help women explore their sexuality, with or without their partner.
Venus Envy, Ottawa’s feminist sex shop and bookstore can be a great place to start. The store hosts frequent workshops that explore every aspect of relationships and sex. With workshops ranging from “Sex For One For Women” to “I’m Coming: A Woman’s Guide to Orgasm”, the store offers a wide variety of educational resources to help address everyone’s needs and questions.
Most of these workshops cost about 20$ (on a “pay what you can” basis) and last about two hours. For more information, visit:
http://venusenvy.ca/workshops/ottawa
If the idea of a public workshop doesn’t feel right for you, try checking out Lonnie Garfield Barbach’s For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality. This 15$ book, which is available at Venus Envy, Chapters or through Amazon, helps address the challenges women face in achieving orgasms and offers road maps to the female anatomy and better sexual experiences.
And to all you non-orgasmic women out there, please know that Lily Allen feels your pain:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Qa28ZrHPcc
*Names have been changed for privacy reasons
Photo Credits:
http://www.ew.com/ew/article/0,,20201869,00.html
http://www.coveringphotography.com/node/1061
http://marriedlife.hitchedmag.com