Summer is officially over when the days get noticeably shorter and classes resume. As fall rolls around the corner, what comes to mind are festivals, harvests, stunning foliage and most importantly, cuffing season. Maybe it’s the chill in the air or perhaps it’s some sort of toxin in the Starbucks’ Pumpkin Spice Lattes, it suddenly seems like everyone and their dog is looking to be tied down. Although the mystery of cuffing season still remains unsolved, you don’t need to fall prey to this tragic epidemic. After all, knowledge is power. So, a great start to protecting yourself from CSS (Cuffing Season Syndrome) this year is to be on the lookout for potential red flags. Please keep reading to familiarize yourself with these warning signs and for tips on taking preventative measures. However, I would just like to stipulate beforehand that this guide was not made for the faint hearted, so please take this as a trigger warning.
Tip 1: On Staying Warm.
Due to this year’s prolonged warm weather, we’ve been lucky that cuffin’ season has been pushed back. However, as temperatures have recently started to take a nosedive there’s been a rise in motivation to stay indoors and snuggle. This year, do not panic at the thought of encroaching cold winter nights. Don’t allow cuffin’ season to let you settle for someone who has especially inventive ways of keeping you warm. Unfortunately, at this time of the year we are the most prone to ignoring red flags. In these hard times, it’s especially important that you to keep a level head. Don’t dismiss those deal breakers because they will end up bothering you so much…how he wears Adidas socks with Nike shoes, how he likes iced coffee more than you do and his god awful neck beard. Slowly but surely, all of these things will eat away at you until you come to your breaking point. Hopefully you’ll reach that point sooner than later, or a lot of your money will go to waste when you buy them $200.00 worth of Christmas presents, and you will have to explain to all of your family members where your ‘boyfriend’ is when you don’t bring him to Easter Sunday. Instead of this self-inflicted pain, embrace hibernation mode to a maximum this year and start layering that six pack of yours for maximum protection from the cold. Remember, there are different kinds of committed relationships and Bae is one phone call away, 11-11-PIZZA-PIZZA get it while it’s hot. Or there’s also the option to splurge on a new winter coat! The point is, you don’t need a boyfriend to keep you warm. Cuff for a reason, not a season.
Tip 2: On ‘F*ckboys’ And How To Avoid Them.
Cuffin’ season means game time for f*ckboys. They come in all shapes and sizes, therefore, they are not always easy to spot in the wild. Given their highly adaptive nature and ability to blend in, it’s important to stay vigilant. If you’ve been through the Amazon jungle of dating, you know that meeting this type of guy is like finding a Rattata in Pokémon GO; it’s common AF but you always hope it’s something better. The key to fending off the f*ckboys in your life is to know how to identify early signs of f*ckboyism before you get too attached. Here are some telltale signs the guy you’re dating should definitely be ditched. He thinks horrible pick-up lines are hilarious, he disappears for days without you hearing from him and only resurfaces with a late-night text, his friends avoid direct eye contact with you whenever there’s other girls flirting with him or he’s a Donald Trump supporter. These guys are unapologetic in their quest to get with as many girls as possible. Be worried, a rat is a rat.
Tip 3: On Avoiding The “Chill” in ‘Netflix and Chill’.
First of all, since the whole ‘Netflix and chill’ phrase went viral on social media, everyone is aware of the deeper and darker meaning of this seemingly innocent situation. Gracefully put, you will not be watching a movie and snuggling. So, if you have somehow ignored the obvious cliché in this type of situation or you have lulled yourself into a false sense of security, don’t worry there are many exit routes. When you find that you’ve suddenly woken up from a daze and you’re immediately regretting a temporary lapse in your judgment, it may seem like there’s no way out. So, you’ve just had this epiphany and while regrouping and mapping in the lay of the land for what seems like the first time, you’re horrified to notice that you’re already in the middle of the latest Netflix Original, with a dude slowly inching his way towards you. At this point in the game, your best bet is to avoid any kind of physical contact and hope that you haven’t chosen a movie that may spark a romantic or talkative moment. After firmly delimiting borders by placing an unattractive blanket between the two of you, you can turn down all offers of alcohol in exchange for any classic movie snack that is remotely laced with onion or garlic flavouring. You can even just excuse yourself to eat garlic if you must. Whatever you do, don’t undress if you start feeling too warm or hot underneath your blanket. The goal is to make yourself as unattractive as possible, so sweat it out. Talk about your exes, cry, but not in a way that would make them want to comfort you, just keep the situation nice and awkward. If these tips didn’t work and you guys are halfway through a kiss, burp or cough just to make something come out of your mouth. As you can see, do not pass go, do not collect $200, there are ways to stop the situation from further escalating.
Tip 4: Treat. Yo. Self.
Forget cuffing season, it’s chapstick season. You are better than cuffing season, take the time to treat yourself during this time of the year. Turns out you don’t need a boyfriend to do all of the cute and funny fall things on your list. Call up your friends, chances are if they’re smart like you, they’re single at this time of the year too. They want someone to do these things with just as bad as you do. You can all pick pumpkins, go to corn mazes, watch Halloween movies with hot apple cider together. Take care of yourself by treating yourself.
On a final note, don’t fall prey to CSS this year. The spectacular foliage alone is enough to take your breath away. Remember, you are better than cuffing season, stop.