On October 29th, British Vogue writer Chanté Joseph posted an article, “Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?” This article examines the cultural shift where having a relationship with a man is now seen as a step down rather than a progressive shift. Currently, throughout social media, it generalizes men as all being inadequate and being shown as an anchor to successful women. Now, posting men is faced with backlash rather than compliments.
This trend goes hand in hand with more women having an avoidant attachment style. To many women, it is so much easier to avoiding putting labels on their relationships and deal with the backlash. It also is easy to internalize that men are keeping you away from achieving your goals, when with the right partner they would push you to be your best.
This article is about how the perspectives on dating affect me. As an Indian woman living in Michigan, I get to experience a mix of both Western and Indian culture. In the cross-section of these identities, my views on dating have become conflicting. On one hand, in Indian culture, it’s important to settle down and have a forever long-life partner, whereas in Western culture women who are single and accomplished get more respect. Both of these ideals live in my head.
For the longest time, I thought I could emanate the girlboss mindset and just work on achieving my goals and have that fill the hole of wanting to be loved and seen. Just the thought of liking someone and letting them in would make my stomach curl up. It’s like even a little bit of openness would kill me. It felt like dating would be me choosing a step down in society and giving up on my goals. In a sense, it protected my heart from loving anyone for a year. It helped me maintain superficial relationships to avoid getting too close and just make memories rather than connections.
On the other hand, once I hit 20, my mother started talking about how I should think about marriage. It’s deemed really important, like a key for joy. More and more, my mom tried to make me embrace the idea of marriage within two years of graduating. However, the conversation of marriage made my skin crawl. It’s like marrying would make me give up my power. In Indian culture, it is normalized that once you marry you have to cater to your family and your husband’s family. That feels like a mold you have to squeeze yourself into, and you’re failing regardless of how far you go in achieving your career ambition. It’s more celebrated that you are married than accomplished.
I tried to chalk the idea of being uncomfortable with marriage up to being young, but these ideologies play a significant role. Social media is filled with ideologies that men are a barrier keeping us from hitting our full potential. It’s scary—what if I truly end up living that? What if falling in love is me just digging a hole and going lower rather than higher and reaching for the stars? It’s like I want it. I want to have a loving and supportive husband with two kids, but I feel guilty for wanting it. I berated myself and spent a year trying to convince myself that I am fine ending up alone and eventually adopting a child. In a way, it helped me love myself more and trust myself, but I couldn’t even fathom falling in love again.
I started seeing someone, and with my pessimism in love and reaching my dreams, he was like a fresh light bringing in the optimism I lacked. He’s been there encouraging me to work towards reaching my goals and not give up unless I’ve truly tried. I really wouldn’t have survived studying ten hours a day without him checking on me and making sure I ate and took care of myself. Seeing the opposite of how men are portrayed on social media threw me for a loop. With that, this conflict of embracing love came to the forefront rather than staying in the back of my mind. I feel so at ease, but in the back of my mind it still goes, What are you doing? It’s better being alone.Why deal with potential problems and potentially get embarrassed and have a barrier for my dreams?
But one thing Western media leaves out is that there are different kinds of men just like how there are different types of women. But this doesn’t mean that I fully embrace Indian culture with marriage being the end-all-be-all. I love my boyfriend, but that doesn’t mean I will fail in life if I don’t marry him. I think it’s just rolling with the punches and seeing where it goes. It’s easier not buying into ideologies and just coming to my own conclusions.
One day, I hope that voice goes away, and that I can just truly love without scrutinizing myself for it.
Vogue article: https://www.vogue.com/article/is-having-a-boyfriend-embarrassing-now