There she sat – a pure, innocent 14-year old girl, radiating true beauty inside and out. Every morning before school, she sat on her couch, and watched these impossibly skinny, long-legged, size zero, flawless girls on TV. Her favorite pink blanket was attached to her. This blanket kept her safe and secure, allowing her to hide her body that was so drastically different than the ones she saw on TV. As time progressed, she craved to emulate the girls on TV, as she thought she was supposed to look that way. And as time progressed, her blanket began to shed – more and more and more.
One day, her blanket became two sizes too small, she thought. Everyone around her begged for her to give her blanket away, telling her that it was no longer keeping her safe; however, she didn’t listen. There she sat – a 14-year old girl, wrapped in her favorite pink blanket and completely consumed, corrupted, and stained by the media. She was trapped, fighting an intoxicating, constant internal battle. She became a prisoner to her own mind, controlled by this destructive, heartless, persistent voice that never seemed to silence. She was no longer pure; instead, she had been replaced with an empty, broken girl who was completely absorbed in a plethora of insecurities and a diagnosed eating disorder.
As the girl shrunk, her blanket continued to shed as well. Every morning before school, she continued to sit on her couch, wrap herself in all that was left of her favorite pink blanket, and continued to watch these impossibly skinny, long-legged, size zero, flawless girls. While she yearned for her blanket’s safety, warmth and comfort, she couldn’t grasp it. She was never satisfied, as the girls on TV forged her into believing that she would never be thin enough. In fact, she was drowning in her own blanket. The more she shrunk, the louder the voices in her head became, telling her that her blanket was still too small. She’d never be fulfilled.
In fact, that girl is me. I am that girl. However, 19-year old me is now a few months into recovery and while my blanket is still pink, it is no longer my favorite. I have named my blanket, my blanket of insecurities. In a sense, my blanket of insecurities symbolizes my eating disorder. As my blanket “shed” more and more, my freedom, self-worth, and self-esteem began to shed away as well. And, as I began to look less drastically different than the impossibly skinny, long-legged, size zero, flawless girls on TV, I became more drastically different from the happy, social, inquisitive, carefree, energetic girl I once was. Today, 19-year old me is eagerly searching to find that girl who her blanket of insecurities has robbed her of.
As I continue to dedicate myself to my own recovery, I challenge each of you to rediscover yourselves – find that girl who society has robbed from you. I challenge you to try to remember who you were before society told you who you should be or what you should look like – only you can free yourself. While it is unrealistic to presume that the unattainable images presented on TV are ever going to disappear, I want to remind myself, and all of you, to stop looking in the mirror, stop comparing yourself to others and to remember, that the way you look, or how thin you are does not define you. You are so much more than that.
Images courtesy of: Google Images