Although, the weather couldn’t be chillier, it does appear that spring fever is in the air. Post-spring break hook-ups are in full force. New flings are blooming so guys can lock in girls for overnight formals. As I live in a house filled with 55 girls on the prowl for boys, I couldn’t resist writing an article illuminating on the hilarity of the standard Michigan Saturday night hook up, most specifically the location.
First of all, almost all of these hookups start drunkenly at a bar. The moment heats up and before you know it, you are stumbling out of Skeeps and into a cab. Then the choices of where to go are endless, all entirely hilarious. My favorite of the bunch are back to a dorm, back to a frat, or back to a sorority.
Back to the dorms: Let me set the stage for you so you get the full effect. You FINALLY find a new cute boy. Actually, come to think of it you have never seen this fresh-faced lad before. But, you know what… who gives? You want some, he wants some, you go. You follow him into a cab, and he spews out, “Markley, please” to the cabbie. That is when you know you are in for it. No wonder you have never seen the kid before, he is barely legal and is still in a first year seminar. Knowing no sly way to get out of the situation, you decide maybe back to an 8 x 8 room (often with no windows) is not the best idea, so you pull the “I’m starrrving card,” and insist on quesadillas at The Hideaway. While you are waiting for the grease to sizzle, you send an SOS email to the freshman pledge class for someone to get you the eff out of that situation. And if they do it quick enough, there will be POINTS! involved.
Back to a frat: Take two: this time it isn’t some fresh-faced kid, it is the on-and-off again stage 5 clinger that you are just feeling tonight, for some desperate reason. You know how this can go down: one of two ways. All could go smoothly, that is, if you are late enough. Meaning, all the other guys are already in their rooms with girls, or passed out in each other’s rooms. Or, you could hit rock bottom. The guys are still rowdy, bouncing around and blazing; and, as you walk in the door, you are caught in the reverse walk of shame. I have yet to think of a clever name for this, but we all know the moment. The moment where you turn beat red as all your guy friends are judging you hardcore and they hoot and holler and you embarrassingly climb your way up the stairs to your guys’ bedroom silently praying that no one will barge in.
Back to a sorority: Last, but not least. I really cannot explain how this happens, and if you do not live in a sorority house, I have to imagine this is hard to believe, but this s*** does go down. As a non-participant of the situation, here is what is generally observed …you and your friends are sitting in the kitchen devouring whatever disgusting combination of food is available to you. Sprinkles and a bagel…butter spray on an apple…melted cheese sticks and salsa…All of a sudden, you look up and realize a boy is sitting with you girls. He sits with you, he eats with you. Then, your friend looks at him and the two of them just get up and leave. Completely confused, you laugh and continue eating your cereal and Sriracha sauce. You gradually start to fathom that they have about .3 options of where to go. They could go to the exercise room and your friend automatically becomes legend of the year. They may venture to your friends’ room as they try to be as quiet as possible while climbing climb bunk bed ladders and trying not to bump heads on the ceiling…really not conducive for sexy time, if you ask me. Or, if you are lucky, there are vacant rooms from the abroad juniors. These rooms have become “smush rooms” filled with dirty mattresses, and even dirtier stories. The stories, well, I will leave those up for the imagination, and let’s just say, I hope your imagination is dirtier than those mattresses…
The list of options of hookup places goes on and on, ranging from the stacks to under the Engineering Arch. As they continue, they become a little less hilarious and a little more legit. So, when you are getting in that cab with your cute new prospect, cross your fingers for an apartment or off-campus house, because really who wants to do the walk of shame home from North Campus on the Oxford Express in last night’s dress? Especially when it is 7 am, snowing, and you do not have a key to your house…..