The other day I was with a bunch of girlfriends and we started reminiscing about when we were younger and had no exams to pass or boys to impress. We got on the topic of old movies like The Cheetah Girls, What a Girl Wants, and The Princess Diaries.
“Don’t forget about The Lizzie McGuire Movie!” I said a little too enthusiastically. “I’ve never seen that,” replied one of my friends.
There was a collective gasp as we looked to our friend and said,
“Are you freaking kidding?!”
In disbelief, we turned on Netflix and started up the movie; as best friends we could not let one of our girls miss out on the milestone that is The Lizzie McGuire Movie.
Yes, I am being a bit dramatic, but The Lizzie McGuire Movie is a classic for our generation. It’s one of those movies that viscerally transports you back to a time when you had no worries. Yet, as I sat there watching the movie with a pair of older and (hopefully) wiser eyes, I started to realize all the things wrong with The Lizzie McGuire Movie. Don’t get me wrong, it’s still one of my favorite movies, but there are definitely some things that should be given a closer look.
1. They Just Finished Eighth Grade
I am sorry, these kids are babies; they’re not even in high school yet. When I was younger, I thought they were at least seventeen or eighteen, but, no, they are four-freaking-teen. When I was fourteen I was eating Twinkies in my Bat Mitzvah sweatpants. Where was I when the eighth grade class got to go on a nice a** trip to Rome and meet hot Italian boys? Obviously didn’t get the memo.
2. Lizzie and her Suspicious Older Italian Boyfriend
Lizzie McGuire gave all little girls hope that we would take a trip to Rome and find a beautiful foreign boyfriend that would be so much better than the brace-faced boys in middle school. But it’s not hard to understand that Lizzie sneaking off with a random Italian boy is straight up stupid. I don’t know about you, but this boy has sex offender written all over him. An older boy who picks up young American chicks at the Trevi Fountain…..extremely concerning.
3. Paolo Looks Like He Walked Out of a Magazine
When I went to Italy my sophomore year of high school, I kid you not, I looked everywhere for my Paolo. What I found were some gross boys with too much gel in their hair mocking my American accent. Excuse me, where are all the hot, smooth-talking Italian boys? I know they exist, but what is the chance you meet an extremely attractive one right off the bat? Impossible; well maybe not for Lizzie McGuire, smh.
4. No One on the Trip Notices She’s Gone
Lizzie is impersonating a famous music star and running all around Rome and, yet, not one student or teacher notices she’s gone? She is on magazines, billboards, TV, and this doesn’t even phase these dumb middle schoolers. Are they living under a rock? She is EVERYWHERE. Pick up a damn newspaper and there is your sweet, bed-ridden, American teenager on the front page. No one even stays with her during the day; let me know where all these chaperones are. Let me know.
5. Isabella was on some Island
Apparently, the reason Isabella left Paolo was because she went to spend some time on an “island.” Again, extremely suspicious. Is “the Island” code for a brothel, rehab, or maybe a convent? Who knows. Picture Miley Cyrus inexplicably disappearing to an unnamed island where no paparazzi could ever find her. I’m calling B.S, Isabella.
6. Lizzie tells the Fashion Designer her Blonde Hair is from the Sun
One of the most memorable scenes from the movie is when Lizzie is at the designer trying on clothes for her show. She tries on weird a** outfits like an igloo and a fruit basket, which to be honest, is shady in itself. But before she starts trying on clothes, she walks in to see Isabella’s most trusted fashion designer with an American accent and blonde hair. And I am not talking about the kind of blonde hair where you can tell from the roots that it’s definitely not real. No, she marches in with some true, American-bred blonde hair. The designer doesn’t seem to realize she’s a different person and asks Lizzy how she got her hair so blonde. Instead of saying “I colored it” like any other normal person, she says all her time on island made her hair blonde. What?! If this could happen, everyone on the West Coast would be blonde. Oh, and by the way, this doesn’t even phase the designer.
7. Lizzie’s Family Flies to Rome
Lizzie’s scheming little brother Matt claims he misses his sister while she is on her trip. If my little sister said that while I was on a two week trip to Rome, my mom would say something along the lines of, “don’t worry sweetie she’ll be home soon” or “let’s FaceTime her.” But what did Lizzie’s parents do? They decided to drop major bank to fly all the way to Rome to see their daughter when she was coming home that week. They probably spent thousands of dollars on those three tickets. Also, where were they going to stay in Rome? Stay at the hotel with all the students for two-freaking-days? If you ask me, it sounds like these parents have some serious separation issues. What’s going to happen when Lizzie goes to college? Are they going to fly out to see her every week? They need to figure their sh*t out or else they’ll be broke real soon.
8. Gordo is Sent to the Airport Alone
When Gordo takes the blame for Lizzie’s shenanigans he is sent to the airport to fly home. All is good until you realize there is no adult with him. What school sends a kid to a foreign airport and back home without adult supervision?! He could get lost in the airport, or miss his flight. How would they know? I know when I was in eighth grade I wasn’t super keen on checking in, going through security, and finding my gate all by myself. Someone needs to investigate this school, stat.
9. The School Somehow Gets Front Row Seats to One of the Most Famous Concerts
Paolo and Isabella’s big comeback concert is not some little last minute impromptu shindig. This event is the hype of the Rome, and really, the world. I’m also pretty sure it takes place in the Colosseum…so, yeah, like I said: big deal. So please let me know how a bunch of middle school students, staff, and Lizzie’s parents manage to bust in and get front row tickets to this concert. These tickets probably cost thousands of dollars. Where was the extra security? Did the front row happen to be empty? I’m sorry this just doesn’t add up.
10. Lizzie is Miraculously a Good Singer and Dancer
A random American teenager is thrown on a stage in front of a huge a** crowd, left there by her doppelganger and told to sing and dance. When my girl Isabella just decides it’s a great time to give Lizzie her moment, how does she know this girl has any talent? Home girl had one rehearsal! Plus, she hadn’t even been on the stage. What are the chances that Lizzie is just a flawlessly trained fourteen year old star to be? Very slim if you ask me. But hey, that’s the wonder of Disney. And no one can argue that “What Dreams Are Made Of” is not a downright magical song.
Even though The Lizzie McGuire Movie has some serious gaps, it is still a classic, nonetheless. Next time you can’t decide what movie to watch while putting off homework, I think you’ll know where to turn. Grab yourself a bowl of spaghetti and tell yourself that you “shine like the light from the sun” and you’ve set yourself up for a pretty fantastic evening.
Images courtesy of Odyssey and Clevver