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For me and for thousands of other Jewish girls across the world, the High Holidays are a joyous time full of family, good food, and handsome Jewish guys in suits. I’m telling you — people-watching in synagogue gets infinitely more interesting when you start factoring in Nice Jewish Boys (from here on referred to as NJBs). Take note, boys: while you’re sitting in synagogue, we’re watching you.
In this hard-hitting piece of journalism, I rank all the things our beloved NJBs do during High Holiday services from most attractive to least attractive. Pay attention, boys — this is groundbreaking information for the New Year you won’t get anywhere else. Shana Tova, cutie.
1. Doing Hagbah (lifting up the open Torah scroll in order to symbolically show the congregation what was just read)
Hands down the most attractive thing any guy could do within the synagogue walls, Hagbah takes the #1 spot on our list. In one swift action, our NJB combines upper-body strength, respect from the community (I mean, they don’t just ask anybody to do it), and serious reverence for Jewish tradition — a true lady-killing trifecta, if you ask me.
2. Blowing the Shofar (blowing an ancient-style instrument made out of a hollowed ram’s horn in a specific series of blasts only on the High Holidays).
Shofar comes in at #2 on this list mostly because of the skill and finesse it takes to actually learn how to properly blow it. Also, when done right, the sound of the Shofar is very loud and powerful, and everyone in the entire synagogue stays silent so they can pay attention and listen to it. Need I say more? Is it getting a little warm in here, or is it me?
3. Giving a good D’var Torah (delivering a speech about the week’s Torah portion, usually accompanied by spiritual insight)
One of the most attractive things a guy can be is an intellectual, and delivering a well-written, thought-provoking speech in front of the entire congregation is–let’s be honest–quite a turn-on. And when he starts talking about getting inscribed in the Book of Life? FORGET IT.
4. Reading Torah (chanting the Torah portion, in Hebrew, straight from the parchment scroll)
Your NJB has grown up a lot since his Bar Mitzvah, but reading Torah preserves some of that old boyish charm. Also, it’s something that requires a lot of practice, and it’s very endearing to picture your guy nervously going over his parsha in the hallway before he gets up in front of everyone. Bonus points if he can carry a tune. (heart eyes emoji!!!)
5. Getting really into the silent Amidah (a silent, personal standing prayer that is a pivotal point in the service; it gives an opportunity for a person to reflect on life and gratitude)
Across the board, in the interviews I conducted to compile this list, this one received a resounding “omggggg yes.” When an NJB is spiritual, when he covers his face with that siddur (Jewish prayer book)–it’s enough to get us weak in the knees.
6. Getting an Aliyah to the Torah (getting called up to make a blessing before and after the Torah portion is read)
All of the appeal of getting an Aliyah is that it’s an honor to be asked for one, which is pretty sweet. Still, it doesn’t require physical strength like Hagbah, skill like Shofar, or preparation like Torah reading, so it takes the #6 spot on this list. (Points still for getting in there and getting involved, though! Your grandma is probably so proud!)
7. Standing respectfully
So maybe you don’t have the Jewish background to be fully comfortable participating in services, and that’s 100% okay. But showing respect, standing quietly and pensively, and rocking that sweet suit you came in–we can still vibe with that. Respect is very, very sexy, and I’m not even kidding.
8. Holding the Torah at the Bima (while the service is going on but the Torah is not in use, someone in the congregation sits on the bima, or alter/stage, and holds it in his or her lap)
Slightly lukewarm, but as long as it involves a Torah, we’re still happy. Keep it up, champ.
9. Whispering during services
TRUST ME when I tell you that if you’re gossiping all through services, at least one girl’s mom will notice, and she will disapprove of you.
10. Texting during services
Undoubtedly the least sexy thing a guy could do during services, texting is just straight-up disrespectful (refer back to “standing respectfully” when I remind you that respect is sexy). You are not a doctor on call and you are definitely not cool for checking your fantasy football lineup during Avinu Malkeinu. We’re done here.
There you have it, people–I’m just saying what we’re all thinking. Rosh Hashana may be over for 5776, but Yom Kippur is this week. And there’s always next year. Shana Tova! Until then…
Images courtesy of: Giphy, Porn 4 Jews, Tumblr