I know, it sounds crazy to say I never knew what love was until after my breakup. You might ask yourself “Did she not love them?” I did, but it was in the unhealthiest way ever.
We dated for a year. I would take the strawberries off my pancakes and place them on his. He would include mushrooms in his Chinese takeout, just in case I wanted a bite. We would talk about how we would spend Christmas in Vermont, New York, if we would like to buy a house with a fireplace or indoor staircases (we agreed no to staircases). However, a lot of our plans were just plans. I think we were both scared. I’ll get to the bad later.
It’s obvious I didn’t take the breakup lightly, since I’m writing an article on it. I quit both of my jobs and dropped out of college for the spring semester. I even packed my bags and visited two online friends in California. I did what kept my mind calm.
My mother tried to comfort me. Sometimes comfort meant leaving me at home alone. I felt like heartbroken Bella from Twilight when Edward vowed to never see her again. It felt so exaggerated and cringey seeing how Bella was like that for months, but I was Bella.
There was a woman on TikTok who would go live several times a day. She would talk about her breakups. What to do. What not to do. How they “always” come back days, weeks, months, even years later. She would listen to us talk about the same thing every day and not mind at all. The same six people would join all the time (we had nothing better to do). We would start conversations in the comments, hear each other out. We eventually started following each other on TikTok, Instagram, and we even created an iMessage group chat. We were so desperate to talk to someone who understood the pain we were facing.
I guess the love came in right then and there. We would wish each other to have a great day every day even though we knew our hearts would still ache the next morning. I became super close with this one girl who had the name of a flower. We would FaceTime and text 24/7. She lives in California. We would go on “Starbucks runs” even though it was just us FaceTiming and talking about everything over a mango dragon fruit refresher and birthday cake pop. We didn’t argue. We didn’t shame one another. We didn’t expect anything of the other person. We were simply existing and letting each other in to our own lives. I met another girl who knew how to make best jokes at the worst time possible. We all flew down to California and went to Los Angeles, San Diego, Malibu, you name it. It was the best time ever. It felt nice going somewhere without the constant worry of upsetting someone.
Once I arrived home, I decided to go back to college. I was at the gym five times a week. I had a gym partner. I went back to driver’s ed school, got my license and a car. I passed the exam for my state license as a pharmacy technician. I lost a lot of friends, but the new friends I had showed me ALL the love I had been craving for so long. They listened without judging. They remembered important events. We would randomly get pictures of something great that happened that day, of accomplishments or a selfie. If I were to host a party of all the people who love me, every seat would be warm, all cups would be full. All the seats would be cold and empty if I were to host that party over a year ago. My Instagram is now so alive and full of pictures of my friends, family, my pets, myself. I didn’t know love felt so calm.
This is where the bad comes in. I now know the love him and I shared wasn’t the type of love I wanted to experience forever. We were so attached to each other we would argue when we weren’t around each other. We wanted the best for each other but didn’t know how to give it without expecting something in return. Tabs were kept. I was so insecure and reflected that back to other people. I guess you can say those days are over. I still have my moments (rarely).
How lucky am I to experience sharing an orange with a friend or liking what I see in the mirror. How lucky are my friends to not feel that pain in their chest anymore. How lucky am I.