As a college senior graduating in just under two weeks, I can truly say that my future is not what I expected it to be… and I am grateful for that.
I thought I would go to an Ivy League school and I thought I would major in biology. I thought I would get into a PharmD program and become a pharmacist — only one of many of my self-proclaimed “interests.” I thought I would be friends with the same people forever. I thought I would be married directly after undergrad, and that I would never even consider having children. I thought my family would live forever, and that we were untouchable.
I never thought I would fit in. Throughout middle and high school, I struggled to find my people. When this followed me to college, I was convinced there was something wrong with me. Friendships ended. Family struggles arose. Relationships shifted, changed, disappeared. I looked deeply at myself and wondered:
Why does everyone hate me? Why am I not good enough?
Walking alone to class and fearing to go to events on my own made me feel like an outsider. Sure, I had friends, but do they even like me? Do they want to know me?
Snapchat buzzes — They’re hanging out. Without me. I’ve been rejected again.
I’m stuck in a never-ending spiral of thoughts circling through, and none of the answers make me feel good.
I know they did this on purpose.
I know they don’t want me there.
I know they hate me.
But… what if they didn’t?
Was I really rejected, or were these last-minute plans made after class?
Was I really excluded, or did they know I was busy?
Was I really unwanted, or…
Are there an infinite number of solutions to consider and this spiral isn’t serving me?
What if I wasn’t being rejected, but misunderstood?
What if they do want you there?
What if they are thinking of you?
What if they love you?
What if my greatest fear wasn’t other people’s opinions, but my own?
What I failed to understand was that no one hated me, and it was my perception of their thoughts that was scaring ME away from them. Plenty of people tried to talk to me, and I stood with my heart guarded with the strongest armor I could build — hate.
Hate them before they hate you.
Reject them before you are rejected.
Never believe you are enough.
But, if I am not enough for myself, who am I enough for?
When I heard the line “My future’s not what I thought — I think I thought it wrong” from DJO’s song “Lonesome is a state of mind,” something in me changed.
2025 was supposed to be the greatest year of my life, and so far…it has broken me. From family losses, loneliness, unexplained illness, and more personal troubles than I would like to admit, I have (mostly) held onto my unwavering positivity and grateful mindset.
Although it is cliche, it is true that everything will be okay… if it’s not, it’s not the end. With this semester being as harsh as it was, the end has been beautiful, soft, and sweet. I have never felt more at peace, even with swirls of anxiety, uncertainty, and the unknown all around me.
The truth is… my mindset was stealing my joy. Every simple pleasure, every relationship, every event was ruined by no one other than myself. I limited my own opportunities and rejected myself before anyone else could. I didn’t want to give people the time of day because I thought they wouldn’t return the favor. I didn’t want to be vulnerable and appear to be weak. I didn’t want to be let down. I didn’t want anyone to support me, and because of this, I stunted my own growth.
I chose to suffer in silence, but you don’t have to.
It is courageous to ask for help.
It is powerful to let people help you and break down your walls.
It is beautiful to let people show up for you when you need it most, or even when you are at your best.
And most importantly, it is okay to express your needs. You are not a robot.
So here I am now. Two weeks until graduation.
I will receive a Bachelor of Science in Psychology and a Bachelor of Arts in Communications. I’m looking for a job in marketing or social media management — my true interest. I have friends who love me and have helped shape me into a better person. I’m in a long-term relationship and have even started thinking of names for our future children. Not all of my family is physically here, but they remain with me in spirit and my soul.
I’m an amalgamation of everyone I’ve ever loved and known, and I believe that’s the most beautiful piece of growing up. I can reflect on each trait I have developed and know where these pieces of myself have stemmed from. My frigid, ice-cold heart has been thawed, and I finally feel free.
I’m not who I thought I’d be — but I’ve never loved myself more. The future may still be uncertain… but for once, I am not afraid.