I’ve always had a weird relationship with the idea of marriage. Since my childhood years, I have always questioned everything. So naturally, when I think about marriage, I question the nature of it.
Society tells me that I’m supposed to commit to someone for the rest of my life and be 100% sure of that decision. It’s not that I am scared or incapable of committing to one person. Instead, I am more scared of marrying someone after only knowing them for a small portion of their life. The thought of spending every day with someone I love unconditionally makes me excited for life in the future. But what about all of the events and experiences during my future husband’s earlier life that I wasn’t there for? I don’t see myself marrying anyone I knew in my teenage years, so what about all that time I missed out on with my future husband? To some, not knowing their partner for their whole life may be a blessing, some might even be glad that their future partner didn’t know them in an earlier stage of life.
For me, it’s hard to wrap my head around marrying someone I’ve only known for a small period of time. That’s why I am writing a journal to my future husband, to highlight major pieces of my current life that are actively forming the future woman I will be.
Marriages that I’ve grown up around have not always been the best examples of healthy relationships. To be honest, they’ve shown me exactly how not to have a relationship. For the latter years of my teenage existence, my biggest fear was having a broken marriage. Granted, marriage is years down the line for me, but this fear always seemed to force its way into my thoughts. I have always wondered: what if I end up marrying someone who turns out to be a completely different person than the person I fell in love with? I’ve seen this exact thing happen, and while my viewpoint on marriage may be pessimistic, I think it’s realistic. In order to foster a completely candid and honest relationship, I’ve been writing a journal to my future husband. I don’t write in it every day, week, or even month. I only write in it when I feel the desire to.
My most recent journal entry is about my current perspectives on marriage and relationships in general. I want to write about this to give my husband an idea of how my perception of marriage and commitment has evolved over the years. As a very open person, I anticipate verbally expressing to my future husband that I was not always sold on the idea of marriage. But by putting these thoughts into writing now, when my thoughts are the most genuine, it may help him understand why I am the way I am.
I also write about what I believe the characteristics of a healthy and sustainable relationship are. This may evolve over the years, and I hope to document that change through my writing. I try to write about very personal experiences as well. In this journal, I have discussed my journey through mental health, self-love, confidence, and how it all relates to relationships. I used to think that one cannot be in a healthy relationship if they don’t fully love themselves first. Over the years, I have grown comfortable with the journey to self-love being more of a roller coaster than a linear progression. Every person is worthy of receiving love from others during all stages of their journey to full self-love.
I am most excited to write about my future husband once I actually know him. I’ll admit that while I have romanticized this thought, I am hopeful that one day I will wake up and have an epiphany knowing that the man I am dating at that moment will be my husband. In reality, it will probably be a more gradual realization, but still exciting nonetheless. I dream about the day I can write entries that are specific and personal to him. My plan is to keep this journal secret from my future husband throughout our entire relationship and give him the journal on our wedding day. This journal has helped me foster a better headspace surrounding relationships, feel worthy of love, and understand myself more. I hope my future husband can read this journal one day and appreciate the different stages of my life.
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